New Years Resolutions

Well, here we are.

Sitting at my mothers' computer desk, listening to her techno-esque remixes of Eastern tunes, it's hard to feel as though this day has any sort of exceptional title. But then my brain kicks in with a reminder that this is what most people would call, "New Years Eve". After this reminder, images and connections flood my mind; the Friends' episode when Joey kisses Chandler, a colourful foil banner written in capitals, and a flashback to last New Years', which I spent alone, cleaning and watching DVDs of TV shows.

My heart aches when I think of all the things that've happened this year. Not because I miss any of them; They will always have their own place in my memories and present state. They are the building blocks on which I stand to see over the island in my kitchen. Why miss something when it is always with you?

I've changed rather drastically as a person. I feel as though I've peeled away several layers of what used to be myself, and now I'm able to use my voice. I'm able to use my feet to dance and my lungs to sing, and these are abilities I wasn't aware of last year. I'm thankful for their places in my life at this point in time, and I can't wait to realize all of the other dormant passions that lie, hidden, in this web of Fate. It's going to be exciting, yes?

For the thousandth time, I want to thank my friends for scooping me up before I hit the ground in March. That was a rough time, and then you bandaged me with swingdancing and song and fire. Literally, fire. I am so grateful. You guys are probably the best thing that's happened to me in 2010.

School was a blast. It went by so quickly, I have to remind myself that it happened in the first place. But yet, after one semester at college, my heart is unsatisfied and antsy. She is unclear, yet, in where she wants to go, but the world is opening it's arms to me to showcase safehouses in foreign places, to which I am drawn like a magnet. I belong nowhere at the moment, which is the beauty of never knowing what lies around that next metaphorical bend in the road. Even if I did have time to prepare myself, I'd probably end up doing it wrong and, consequently, get hurt. I take comfort in the fact that I trust myself. After all, I am an improviser. In essence, all humans are. There are no lines, no scripts, in this life. I am afraid. I do not deny that. But I also will not give power enough to my fear to stop me from doing the things my heart tells me. I trust in God, and I trust in my ability to listen; as long as I'm not listening with my ears.

It will be interesting to look back on this post in a year from now.


Resolutions for 2011

1. Eat nourishing foods
2. Love
3. Live without regret
4. See clearly
5. Accept
6. Dance
7. Treat body with kindness and appreciation
8. Remove blinders
9. Minimize anger and eliminate hate
10. Abandon ego

At the stroke of midnight, I pray these ten resolutions manifest themselves. I'll meet them halfway. Now, I should likely get off the computer and prepare myself - I have 4 hours before I get to go see a large group of people I love. It's going to be an amazing 12+ hours, and though it'll be over before I can say "Happy 2011", it's just one more building block.

I love you all, whoever is reading this. I hope you have an amazing year. Press yourselves to make the most of it, and you'll have fun. Trust me.

I Do Believe It's Christmas Eve

It's an interesting day for plans to change on a dime; now I have no idea what to do with my evening. My original Christmas eve was going to be spent at my Dad's, but due to the fact that sleeping space is tight, I'll be spending the night at home with my mother and brother.

One would assume that family activities would fill my night, along with general holiday festivities. But it's raining, I have a headache, and none of us really feel like playing the modern-day-traditional game of Monopoly whilst sporting Santa hats. My brother's occupying his computer room, and my mother has spontaneously decided to renovate the main floor of the house, and I'm pretty sure that (on some level) I'm using the computer to reach out to anyone else who may want to interact on Christmas eve. Not like people will be with their families, or anything.

Literally, my mom is periodically asking us if she can burn documents of ours that she's found lying around. The room smells like symbolism and detoxification. My cat's on my lap, hanging her head off my thigh and staring at the floor. Maybe she's dozing. Maybe I'm dozing.

Once in a while I'll look out into the night and my thoughts will float to a Christmas party or something, and part of me yearns to go to one. Not sure why, seeing as I have a headache and am generally fatigued. *insert distressed cussing here*

Talk to you later, internet.

Persuadeo, Persuadere

Oh, Latin. Oh, Eastern Religion. Oh, Complementary and Alternative Medicine, and Women's Studies. How I shan't miss you when our two weeks are through.

I shouldn't be ungrateful, however; I've met some wonderful people and made some amazing connections during my first semester in college. I just need some time off to figure my shit out.
I'll make good use of my time. I promise, but only to me, because I needn't prove anything to anyone else. Loves.

G2G, mama's here - and I have a girly sleepover to attend.

Documentation

I have water boiling on the stove to make myself some delicious gemelli-carbs. MMM.
I don't know why everyone hates calories. They keep you alive. Most people miss the point of food, I think. Anyways...

Today after I'd departed from the skytrain station, I decided to take the long way home. I ended up at the park, and the sky was drizzling just a little. Like it was bored and spitting at the rest of the world... Anyways, I sat on a swing, pulled down my hood to free up my peripheral, and began to sing.

All of a sudden, I was swinging like 6 feet off the ground, just belting at the view below me. It was pretty neat - I hadn't made a conscious decision to start swinging, but it was like the music had driven me to pump. A small group of crows congregated on a wood plank in front of me, and I sang at them. They ruffled their feathers when I began to sing Elton John. It was cute.

It got cold eventually, but it was a good feeling. Even though I was physically exhausted, it was sort of as if I had refilled my emotional HP. Sorry to be such a nerd. By the way, that means hit points and definitely not Harry Potter. BRB PASTA


It's not hard to guess where this energy's coming from. LOL.
Time does go by so quickly, doesn't it?

My Cat Just Sneezed On Me Four Times

I spent 68 dollars on headphones today. I think I need a hug or a slap in the face. But, I feel like I would be pretty stoked on life if I didn't physically feel like crap. Maybe. Fuck it I'm going to sleep. And just so everyone is aware, I was having a good day until 5 minutes ago, so I wanted to perhaps disprove all the misconceptions that ALL I do is bitch about life. I mean, it's not far off, but still.
Also, who wants to blog about life when they're off enjoying it? I mean, really.

Any Outlet, Every Outlet

I had an amazing afternoon and evening, yesterday.
Holding the attention of the people I care about, I thought, would be entirely nerve-wracking. But all of a sudden they were smiling and laughing and it got warmer and nicer.
And, do you want to know a secret?
I made the same wish when I blew out my candles, and when I made the first cut of cake.
I hope that's allowed, because I did it.

Swing dancing was great, the birthday dance was great, etc.
And so of course, this morning feels very cold and quiet in comparison.
Though, I am deeply thankful. For a lot of things, actually.

I just feel a little speechless.

SONGS LYRICS THAT DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL

I just woke up from a 3 hours nap, it's dark, I am bittersweet and something in my heart hurts. CUE BARENAKED LADIES

I feel fine enough, I guess. Considering everything's a mess

And now - Oh, Billy Joel? You got somethin' to say?

If you said goodbye to me tonight

There would still be music left to write

What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you

That hasn't happened for the longest time

I don't care what consequence it brings

I have been a fool for lesser things

I want you so bad, I think you ought to know

that I intend to hold you for the longest time

...Voila.

Coca-Cola Floats II

A while ago, I'm pretty sure I made a wish at 11:11 or on a shooting star or something, and that wish was, "I wish for things to suck for a while, but then consequently, improve a millionfold."

And I feel comfortable telling you that, because I think it's happened. Essentially all areas of my life have improved after a two-week rough patch (and it was pretty shitty). I'm extremely grateful.

Friday night was my grandmothers' birthday dinner, which was pretty nice. She liked the poem I wrote for her, a lot. And my 6 year old cousin started calling me "madahhhm", all suave and sophisticated. I also got him to call our server 'kind gentleman'. And while all of this was going on, my 6 month old cousin, was squealing like a parakeet in the upper-class restaurant. It was quite the time.

Afterward, my grandmother, mother, brother and I all went to go see The Social Network, which was a really great movie. Mind you, I may be extremely bias due to the fact that Armie Hammer, who plays Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss, is an extreme babe. Like, offroad hunkery. Without a seatbelt. Oh baby. Moving on...

Then on Saturday night, swing dancing was a blast. I love the shim sham. I'd like to wife it.
I should most likely be on my way to shower and get the maddening itch from my eyes. I think it's some sort of energetic allergy. I'm not sure to what, yet. Or maybe my mascara's old/being mean.

Goodnight, all. I pray you have restful sleeps.

Coca-Cola Floats

2 somewhat definitive things about me:

High-waisted jeans
Vanilla Ice Cream and Coca-Cola.

Also, I spent the entirety of Sunday reading Rachel Dawes/Jonathan Crane fanfics. Steamy. I think I've inadvertently been doing some informal research on Stockholm Syndrome. I find it rather intriguing.

Goodnight.

Red Sunset

I think I'm experiencing a little bit of a crisis, but not to worry, it's nothing that I can control. ...No seriously, chill, I have absolutely no say in how this is going to go.
...No, I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying, this is completely and entirely out of my hands and I have no starting point to try and fathom what is going to befall me today. Really, it's cool.
I'm just cranky.

I had some pretty significant dreams last night, none of which I can really share due to the fact that the internet is the absolute opposite of privacy (But Sarah, what were you trying to accomplish with a blog?), but there was one dream in which I watched a sun setting very quickly from in a tall tree. It was red. As you may have guessed from the title. Anyways

Last night I had a good run. It was nice. Today I don't know why I feel like such SHIT but I do. What day is it... the 6th? Nah... Kay, one theory ruled out. Just sayin'.

I have to go... do nothing. Just kidding I'm going to do something and it'll be awesome good day.

Needle

I really enjoy my naturopath appointments. I'm happier now than I was at 2:30, and I think that's a valuable experience; something that makes you happy.
And they gave me some more music to listen to, when I asked, which is wonderful.
I think I'm going to go have a shower, do some hydrotherapy for my tendonfriend, and then have a nap. After that I have an appointment with a few of my dear gentlemen friends.
Hm... Want another song?

Grammar

To my vain disdain
I can't seem to obtain
The shameless girl with my name

Because I see her laughing there
And I can't help but stare
As she dares to share fer faith with the world
She wears a beautiful string of pearls
And no apologies
She strikes the soul inside of me
With love,
The most dangerous catalyst

I can't tell whose fault it is
Mine for being foolish,
Or yours for being cute
But it kills me, 'cuz I know
She's the one to be with you

And if you must know the truth
I don't care what I wear
Or how I fix my hair
But it matters when you flatter
My jokes, and my grammar

I feel I owe you sometimes, but why?
Since I'm too shy to say goodbye
With but my eyes
And yes, I cried
But a few hidden tears here and there
Won't keep me from wanting to share
How much I really care about the crosswords
It's too much, maybe

Again she's in my mind
Trying desperately to find a way to me
To say to me
We're the same, young lady
And just maybe
She can save me

She lets me feel the fabric of her silk gown
And I let her feel the curve of my sad frown
Just a little longer, she coos
And I'll find you.

Though you may not understand
Won't you please still hold my hand
As I try to miss you?

Scarf: The Verb

I have no idea why, but for some insane reason I haven't eaten at all today until, more or less, 45 seconds ago. And, I had to walk/trudge/drag my sorry self for 15 minutes from the train. 15 minutes isn't much, I'm very aware, but when you're weak and ailing and upset and have hypoglycemia problems, it certainly isn't remotely comparable to a frolic in a field of wheat.
'Nuff said.

I'm so fucking tired - I was going to get some stuff done today, but I don't see anything but eating, sleeping and whining for the next few hours. Brb, getting more mini pizzas.

4 Pillsbury doughcircleswithquestionablehaphazardlystrewnabout may be too much. That should be what they put on the box, by the way. I'm just SO HUNGRAYYFILAY

Jawbone

Well, the deed's been done.

I've cleaned my room, and I still miss you.
I've studied for my midterm tomorrow, and I still miss you.
I polished off the jujubes, and yes, I still miss you.

But you know what?
My girls are coming over soon, and after a wonderful night, I'm going to go to sleep.
And tomorrow... well, maybe some things will change.

Pheonix

So I'm getting pretty tired of this shit. My room is a mess, my journal is blank, and my songwriting's blocked. Something's obviously been going on and that something is going to gtfo right this instant. Ya hear?

Here's a song I wrote a long time ago. By that I mean like 2 months and by that I mean it's true.

Gold & Green

I hate that when my basement floods

You're still the one I'm thinkin' 'bout

As I panic, and throw towels at the floor.

Even in these trying times

I still talk to you in rhymes

And I'm not too sure that I can't take much more.

Diggin' through the dirt to clean the storm drain

Not bothering to shelter myself from the rain

Endlessly pushing through worms, leaves and bark

Nothing on my mind but that breathtaking spark

And nothing on my lips but a smile in the dark

Now the door is closed, and the flood contained

But I've not yet grown bitter to the sound of the rain

And, moving books to boxes that won't mold

I'm startled by the absence of frustration

It's 2:30AM and I'm way too cold

But I'm wrapped in the blanket of elation

Nothing to do but hum softly at you

My hands still flecked with dirt

The stucco doesn't care for my antics,

So I bid it adieu

And I guess, to you too

When I shut my eyes and threw my mind to hope.

The maple taste still on my tongue

It hits me that we're so young

And beautiful, and fresh and dumb.

So many mistakes left to make

So many patterns to break

And holy shit, so many risks to take

So look at my eyes just one more time

And tell me that you don't see

Inside the rings of gold and green

Everything you mean to me.

*******

And there you have it. My version of a love song.

I'll play it for you sometime if you ask me IRL. I dare you.

Now I'm gonna go clean my room and my spirit. Until next time...

Sweetheart Palpitations

This saccharine poem was inspired by a lucky penny.
But not actually 'cuz that's a metaphor. Moving on.

Now this may sound a little odd
But these are modern times
And I happen to have found myself
In an intriguing little bind.

All women wish
To be the miss
With the most dapper man to kiss
But me, my wish
I must dismiss
Before it slips out from my lips.

I looked for the gent who stole my heart
And a healing man, I found
I stood my ground when I heard his sound
'Twas the gentlest laugh around.

Here is my dilemma, friend
And you needn't do the math
My situation is dire, because...
I've a crush on my naturopath.

Don't get me wrong, it's all good and nice
When he raises my wrist to place the ice
And he smirks at my jokes about my diet
And notices when I seem too quiet.

My heart races when he checks my pulse
As if I'm being pursued
My palpitations are rather erratic
And I think he's quite confused.

Acupuncture's got the greatest eyes
And the strongest, soothing touch
I never thought I would enjoy
Getting stabbed with needles so much.

Needless to say, I've gone astray
I just can't seem to focus on Friday
And before we check temp
I must convey
How much I appreciate you caring this way.

I'm grateful for the thermometer
Inhibiting my tongue
I don't want to tell you all these things
My heart's so naive and young.

My knight in shining dress shirt
With you stethoscope, adorned
This lovely rose with an N.D
Simply has no thorns.

A conflict of interest, maybe
But darling, that's a secret
I promise it won't interfere
As long as I can keep it.

I'll miss you when you're gone, good sir
You've been such a kind friend to me
Through countless bad days
And a diverse array
Of ailments and injuries

I hope to see you again, dear friend
And I hope that it's quite soon
And if you'd like me to visit, too
I'll be extra clumsy-
Just for you.

Honesty, Honestly

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely; never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you;

Just the way you look tonight.

/fml

Congestion

This is happening. I'm going to force myself to create a substantial blogpost even though my eyes will soon droop and the energy will ebb from my fingers.

This is a cry for help. I'm not in danger, but I am trapped by unpredictable fatigue that induces time-wasting decisions.
Guess what I did today? Stayed in and watched VHS's.
Guess what I did yesterday? Stayed in and watched DVD's.

Look, Universe, I don't know what you're doing, or what my energy bodies are doing, or what the FUCK my brain is doing, but where is my energy going? I'll learn from it if you'll just tell me, or fix it, or answer some of the dispiriting questions that have been bombarding me lately.
That's IT! Those fucking questions! Those are what's killing me.

"Why do I get out of bed in the morning?"

And so on.

Maybe answers, or CHANGE. That might be it, change. Some fantastic pick-up event out of fucking nowhere.
I can't even play guitar without trailing off in the middle of a song. I can hardly pick myself off of the couch after watching a Julia Roberts movie. I'm afraid to say that my life is uninteresting because that would make me
A. Ungrateful as shit
B. The target of "Be careful what you wish for" situation
And I do not desire to be either of those things.

But WHAT will it TAKE to break free from this pattern? This is stagnation! Frustration!
I'd write a song about it but I'm so emotionally and spiritually constipated right now that I can't even begin to conceive a chorus.

My outlets have been removed, and now I'm exploding but my skin isn't bursting. The pressure is building, and this isn't healthy. This isn't the same blowup-impending feeling I've experienced before, this is different. This is leading to some sort of epiphany or complete and irreversible meltdown. It's like I'm bored, through and through, in my heart and soul and brain and body and I just need to be electrocuted. Maybe I'll go across the street and get someone to smack me upside the head - but that wouldn't answer my religious questions, or satisfy my craving for human contact.

All of this venting is so deeply rooted in the marrow of my ribcage that my face is entirely expressionless as I type this. Noticing that makes me want to laugh, but I'm not laughing. I'm not crying, I'm stone still except for my hands and wrists and arms. This is fucking weird.

Lady Fate. I'm begging you. I don't want to be robotic anymore, breathe some life into me.

New Age Fiction

I have 4 minutes before class. Whoopsies - But I wrote a short story.

*******

I woke and rose from the bed, the red quilt spilling from my warm, sleep-flushed body. Dust motes sparkled and danced in the golden light of the sunset.
I was alone.

Maneuvering skillfully around sacks of books half my height and tiptoeing around the scattered stones on my creme carpet, I found clothes with which to dress myself. Upon exiting my stuffy sanctuary, I was struck by the cold clarity of pure air. The desert stretched far to the double horizon. A strip of orange sky boasted beauty between the two Earths. I looked up to the Second, and saw the same business and busy-ness that I saw with each glance upwards. I gave a gray sigh.

I pulled my chair out from under my table, the legs of it scraping against the rock and packed sand. I sat at my table eating my toast with blackberry jam, and wondering.
I wondered how they always knew what to do next - like there's an endless list of tasks they adhere to. I wondered what would happen if I jumped high enough; would I fall back down to my Earth? Or would I fall to theirs? If I did, where would I get my list? Who would tell me what to do?

I could feel blackberry jam on my lip but the silence told me to leave it. I got up from the chair and stretched, extending my arms to the world above. I couldn't decide if I admired it, or thought it silly.
Upset with my confusion, I sat on my bum on the ground and began to sink my fists into a soft patch of sand. Despite my angst, I wondered idly if my small, delicate fists had the potential to hurt my Earth. Fearing the answer may be yes, I withdrew my hands and placed them in my lap in shame. I sat like that for a while, frowning tearfully in self-pity at the disturbed sand.

I heard the wind before I felt it, but then a kind zephyr fluttered to me and caressed my face as a sign of acceptance. I leaned back on my hands and lifted my chin to open to the zephyr, but my attention was tugged by the sensation of soft movement under my hands. My Earth was reacting to my touch; a lush and thick green grass sprouted fluidly from between my fingers. The zephyr smiled and stole away with my breath. I lifted and turned my body to face this new life, but when I withdrew my hands, the grass wilted and died. I was deeply saddened, but not without hope.

I bent myself until my lips touched the Earth, wishing life and color upon the ground. She responded avidly, and in an instant my desert was transformed into an emerald haven. The blades tickled my cheek as I lay, and whispered secrets into my ear - secrets the stones and dust had never told.

Rolling onto my back, I smiled with every fibre of my being at the Second, loving it without knowing it. The grass smiled with me until the orange strip of sky faded, and the stars woke up.

Revamped

Hey friends.

I know it's been a while, but I've been elsewhere doing elsethings and haven't had the willpower to blog. Anyways... I'm going to have a nap now. Good talk.

Wishlist.

My birthday's coming up + I have 3 hours to kill... :

1) Magic Bean Necklace

2)Boss Key Earrings

3)Red Riding Hood Paraphernalia

4)More RRHP

5) Dinner with friends

6) Tango Poster

7) Japanese Amelia Poster

8) Trippy Poster

9) For the back of my bathroom door

10) YES PLEASE OH GOSH

11) Monster Tee

12) Oz Tee

13) Lil' Red Tee

14) Water Balloons Shirt

15) Epic Tee

16) Bitchin' Boardgame

17) MmmmRetroGaming

18) Medkit Tee

plz

/self absorption...fornow

Subway

After spending the last two hours immersed in a book about spirituality and purpose, I am thoroughly at a loss trying to think of something worthy to do with my time.

Hence,

blogpost.

I'm Sipping Tea as the Sky Falls Down Around Me.

It's actually just the roof, though. They're redoing my roof.

I feel comforted. I woke up this morning (at 10, having slept through an hour of roofing-sounds) feeling comforted on every level of my being. It was rather unusual, but I'm not complaining.
I think I have the beginnings of a cold, causing my throat to feel somewhat dry and worn, but for some reason this makes me feel safe. As did the numerous blankets I was swaddled in.

Yes, I'm experiencing pangs, but the future seems kind. When I look outside and feel the time passing, I sense no malice. No sympathy, since there is nothing to fear. No apology. Life is time and time is always moving. Thus, I must keep moving with it.

So let's go.

Eminem Is Stuck In My Head.

Have you ever experienced that sad love? It's unmistakably love, but it makes your heart hurt.
I'm using my brothers computer, and behind it there's a small bag of Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies, and I pictured him eating them and it makes me sad that I barely know him.

This day was absolute crap, and then it got better, and then it was absolutely awesome... And now, I'm experiencing the inevitable sadness of the end before the beginning. I had no idea I'd be this emotional and cranky when it came to going to college, and normally I'm able to live up to my self-proclaimed flexibility. But I'm really latched onto this whole thing, hm? I never would've expected that leaving high school behind forever would be easier than starting something new and exciting. Because it is new and exciting, I just... fuck, I don't know. My expletive can probably communicate my point better than a full sentence.

I am sad. I was sad when I left high school, but now that is simply a fact of life. I've graduated, and there's no regret or anguish attached. But this sad makes me want to turn around and run back down the up escalator... And though it works in real life (if you happen to be agile enough), in this metaphor, it doesn't. In this metaphor, it's impossible to get back down to wherever you came from, and the easiest, wisest, and scariest option is to shut your mouth, take a huge breath, and wait for the Moving Stairs of Unstoppable Change to take you to your destination. At this point in the metaphor, I'm a small brunette girl with a helium balloon, weeping and cautiously hopping down the stairs, the futility of my actions not registering in my undeveloped brain.

I was about to type that I'm going to miss this. I don't know what I mean by "this", but it's what I don't want to let go of. I didn't type it because I don't think I will. I don't miss high school. I cherish the memories and experience I've gained, but I don't yearn to return there. My time there has ended. The friends I've made have stayed with me, and it is these people, and these dynamics, and these unparalleled times that I'm weeping for.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, I really don't, but I seem to have made some unintentional decision to quit pussyfooting around the truth.
Well, most of the time. Honesty's more fun, if only because of shock value.
I think I'm tired, but I might be too scared to sleep. That thought will register as my head hits the pillow, but it won't matter when I get to that place between conscious and not-so. That's where the craziest shit happens, and it's hilarious.

I know it'll be fine, but sometimes blogging about stuff feels as good as a thorough cry. And, this way, I needn't deal with the running snot and puffy red eyelids. Maybe.

I re-pierced my helix today. Because I was bored.
...I think I'm reckless.

Fuck, the roofers will be here in 7 hours and 50 minutes... I should get to bed.

The Joy of Painting

That show is like a glimpse into another dimension, where magicians have afros and make sound effects while conjuring waterfalls. Like, shit.

Today was a decent day. It has come to a bittersweet ending for silly reasons that I do not control, but I'm considerably apathetic due to my exhaustion. The reality that some of the greatest people in my life are leaving is sinking in. This is not what I'm apathetic about. Believe me. I feel like I could be excited about starting college (Oh yeah, hey Tuesday what's up see you soon), but a new beginning means an end, doesn't it? I don't mean to focus and whine, but I really am going to miss the wonderful friends I've made.

The Departed is a ridiculous movie.


DiCaprio: "Is there any reason you might have a tail?"
Old Cop Guy: "I don't have a tail, I don't have a tail!"

I was looking for a funny picture of a guy with a tail to put in link, but all I found was this, which was adorable enough to end my search. Anyways.

I just gave an enormous sigh, and I think that, and my flushed cheeks, express my feelings better than words can at this moment.

Good day.

Rain! AHHH!

Gorgeous day. ...Unfortunately.
Just kidding.

Ish.
Cleanin' room. Sidetracked by computer. What else is new?
Hum. Heart full. I want to save Ferelden today... maybe.
Hooked my iPod up to my xbox, which I didn't know I could do.
I'm going to go dance-clean. Goodnight.

Vulgar Dreams

I had a hungry nap today. I say that because I dove into that bed like a fat girl would dive into a bowl of chili after a night without sustenance. ...That's rude. But I'm not apologetic enough to rewrite that. Meh.

Anyways, I had a bunch of... intruiging dreams. According to my wise mother, when one has dreams of... excretion, regurgitation, or defacation, it implies that one is working through some emotional or psychological pattern that had engraved itself into one's habits.
This is why I am glad I had such horrifying dreams. It is a sign of progress, of cleansing.

Going to Krista's pretty quick. Not sure what this night will entail, though I am quite certain it'll be a hoot.

I have to keep reminding myself to lay back and let the universe guide me. Sometimes I get so caught up in things that my brain freezes and I end up just watching Friends and eating too much to numb whatever confusion comes my way. And that, mes amis, is not a pretty picture.
(Well, metaphorically. I'm sure the image of me, slumped on a couch and stuffing my face with lemon meringue pie is aesthetically scintillating.)

I feel oddly frustrated. Congested in some sense.

BUT I am almost into the last class I was waitlisted for. HUZZAH! The waitlist dance is almost through. I really am very fortunate. Thank you, Lady. And I still pray... for... well, you know. I hope you guys've got my back on this one, because I'm flailing.

Cats Comfort Cramps

I am thankful for my Cleo, and her unfaltering determination to be up in my face all the live long day. Because when she sits on my tummy, the warmth and weight calm stress and other complications. Yes? Yes.

My cousins should be here in like 15 minutes, and for some reason I think I'm suffering from babysitter stage-fright. Since those instincts have kicked in, I'm somewhat frightened of children. Isn't that funny?

Had acupuncture again today and it was great. As soon as I came out of the appointment, though, my mom notified me that my brother needed to be picked up from camp. I'll be nice to have him home, though it's a shame he didn't get to enjoy himself out there. Such is life.

Runny noses... Sneezing... Ugh.
I just want to read books! And get a computer and go to college. Ohhhhhh baby. College.
Eustress. And regular stress. I need to lay down or something. Hum...

So yeah. My mom's MIA for more or less four hours, and I'm in charge of the wee ones. I hope I do alright... I get to make dinner with them! Maybe they can help me... Markus might be more savvy than I; he certainly has a passion for cooking.

I can only spout 3-line paragraphs, it seems. Odd. BREAK THE MOULD.

Haha.

Tired Eyes

I'm not going to fight the future any longer. I'm too warm and happy and overwhelmed with love for all the wonderful and horrible people in my life. If I get what I want, fabulous. If not, I'll learn more about the world and start wanting something else. I of course can't help but yearn, but there's a difference between love and pining. One is useless. And love is just the opposite of useless.
I'm probably just floating in between that space of conscious and not-so, so my words might not fit together as seamlessly as they do in my head. But I surrender, I hereby fall back into the outstretched and supportive arms of God and the universe and Lady Fate. I'm all yours, you guys. Show me whatchya got. ;)

I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so overwhelmed.

Oh My

I dislike that the only place I can get internet is haunted by the stench of cat shit.

I really really do.

Anyways, today was okay so far. I watched a bizarre movie with Krista, and then we had a good talk and some giggles. Right now I'm trying to cope with all of this free time, while simultaneously attempting to wrap my head around how much of a blessing all of this time is. I'm listening to Beyonce because Grooveshark told me to.

Pulled more cards today, and they're telling me to revel in the beautiful transition that will soon be my life. They're also telling me to decide. Ah man... I don't know how to do that from the isolated island I'm on right now. It's gorgeous and wild here, but cut off. I'm prone to projections and murky waters.

Not sure what I'll do with my time tonight. I may venture out if this pain recedes... it's not so bad right now. We'll see what my tired body feels like doing. It may just be this.

Salut.

Bubble Tea

Today feels like a good day for rain. I hope it rains.

Last night I went to go see Eat Pray Love with mama and Nicole, as I mentioned previously. It was a really good movie, and it felt like there were little inside jokes in it just for me, since I'm not all that new to spirituality. Yeah, I cried. Whatever.

I'll probably just end up moping around the house today, seeing as I'm not in the best physical condition. I just want to rest. Physically and mentally. I wasn't worried yesterday, and today doesn't feel like worry either, just... disconnected. I guess. I think it makes me sad, but I'm too disconnected to tell. Interesting turn this has taken.

I'm moving up on my waitlists, and I'm almost in to 2 of the 3 courses. I'm full of (subtle and dormant) anticipation. I'm going to miss the summer when it's gone, and I'm afraid because it's almost at that point. Sigh.

I'll probably write later - If I stay inside, I'll be magnetically pulled back to this laptop. See ya.

Mraaaaaaaaaaah

Guess what I had for breakfast this morning? Honey Sunshine. Not kidding, that is the name of my cereal.

I feel braindead and sluggish and I want a nap but tonight I'm going to dinner and a movie with my mom and her friend, Nicole. I'm looking forward to it. We're going to see Eat Pray Love, which my mother suspects will not be profound enough to satisfy my thirst for enlightening movies. I've gotten used to the industry, and I'm not snobby. I like fluff, I do. I also like thought-provoking movies. And funny movies. I've just found it hard lately to thoroughly enjoy a movie without getting distracted by, "I paid money to watch this. Why..." Anyways. I probably didn't communicate the point I wanted to... I don't know if I had a point... Do I ever?

This morning I woke up. Good start to a day, I know. Showered, then put on a face mask and pulled some tarot cards. I hope I'm not seeing through some elusive and manipulative lense, but most of the cards I've been pulling lately have been telling me relatively similar things. And, things I already knew on some level, but need to surface. Gash, my nails are getting too long to type. It's kind of bizarre. It feels like I'm typing with those fake nails I used to put on when I was little.

I wish appearances weren't so important. When everyone's so inwardly focused, they're hesitant to dance or slide in mud. I miss mud, I want mud. I want snow and Christmas and romance and a pet elephant with whom I can telepathically communicate. Anyways.

Friday night, my little cousins are coming over and I'm babysitting them overnight. It should be fun, and engaging. Recently, I've realized, my maternal instincts are kicking in. It's scary, but it's like I'm waking up or shedding a cocoon or something deeply symbolic and metaphorically cliche like that. Whoops, that was actually a simile... My mistake.

I was in an overpriced clothing store with my grandmother the other day, when a confused little girl (probably like 5 or 6 years old) came up to me and put both of her tiny hands on my thigh and looked up at me. It was literally heartwarming. I was immediately confused at the pure truth of that cheesy expression. When she realized I wasn't, in fact, her mother, she took her hands off of my leg and stumbled to her real mom. I was filled with this (once more, confusing) sense of longing. Then my brain flooded with teen pregnancy warnings and Rocksolid flashbacks. Whew. What an interesting development in my life as a young woman. Here it comes...

I was reading a book called "Women Who Run With Wolves" a couple of days ago, and I think that was probably the catalyst for this change. There's no way I'll be able to explain this as well as the author, who is a psychologist and astounding poet, but I'll make an effort.

Basically the introduction to the book was an explanation of the basic female energy. The Wild Woman archetype is simply a personification of said instinct, to help the audience relate to "her". Before Revlon and Wonderbra, the only concerns of women were love and expression. The most emphasized of loves were her children, and her mate. If you'd like to know more about it, get the book. It's fantastic so far, and I'm a tad bashful to admit I shed a few tears while reading it. She speaks so passionately about something I only related to as an aching echo in my chest. When my family used to go on hikes and I would nap on a moss-covered slab of rock, I felt the ache. When I'm drawn to animals, domesticated or wild, I feel it. It's like I've forgotten something, but it's not out of reach. That's what lies within all women, however molded or changed we are by modern stimuli. The basic energy of the trees, the earth, the animals. The energy of Eden.

Go ahead and think I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm so used to it. If I let it hold me back, I'll just explode.

Anyways, in my opinion, that's what's becoming of me. This "Wild Woman instinct" is all wakin' up and stretching and ready to run with reckless abandon to the nearest... anything.
I'll tell you something, though. Loving is a lot less complicated when your head isn't involved. Sure, loving from the heart increases minor chest pain, and shortness of breath, and heart palpitations... but doubt dissipates. Let's just say that I'm glad for that, and those of you who know my backstory will understand why that is.

I'm going to get on my way, now. But if you'd just do me one tiny favor today... Don't wear any makeup. Just don't do it. And follow one impulse (harm-inflicting impulses are exempt from this request) you normally wouldn't. Read a book outside. Say something to someone you were too scared to yesterday. Lay starfish'd in the middle of the room and sing at the ceiling.

I dare you.

Indian Food and Belgian Chocolate

I realized today that I'm plagued by foodlust. It's hilarious, and I feel like everyone thinks I'm pregnant.

"Yew knaw what's hawt? Jake Gyllenhawl in lavinder underwhurr."
-Kiera F.

Anyways. Acupuncture was amazing. I enjoy my relationship with my naturopath; It's not unlikely that the topic of conversation will shift from my blood sugar to video games, or boys. And he's a male, so those conversations are hilarious.

Maybe VanSlam tonight. For now, I'm going to shower and nap and pamper myself a little bit.
Oh me, oh my... I'm all sighs lately. I'm not confused as to why. Frustrated, maybe, but that's the way things go when you have feelings all over the place.
What a messy and beautiful life this is.

Good Afternoon.

The little one left for camp, today. By little one, I mean brother. It's weird. I hope he has a hell of a time, though. Folks normally do, where he's going, but he's never been away before. We'll see. I think I miss him...

A couple days ago I spent some time with my grandmother. She's a beautiful and generous woman, but one of the things that makes her so hilarious to be around is her honesty and mild racism. Honestly? It's those little quirks that cause me to admire her so. Long drives to various malls were made so much more intruiging by her views on life, her derogatory observations, and her attempts at explaining why the world is the way it is.

After the first full day of hardcore shopping, I was rather tired, and thus decided to have a nap. It didn't occur to me that I would, perhaps, wake up at 10 and, perhaps, be obligated to sleep again. Essentially I stayed up till three o'clock am, looking through old photo albums. I loved so many of the pictures, and was very tempted to steal a select few. I refrained, fortunately. Stealing memories from your grandmother is rather immoral, I assumed. Eventually I slipped into an uneasy sleep and dreamt about C-sections and wild hogs.

The next evening I was fortunate enough to have dinner with my grandmother, my mother, and my grandma's friend, Anne. They were all lovely company; even moreso after a martini. They each encouraged me to take a sip from their glasses. My mom had a Guiness martini, which was actually delicious. Anne had a green apple martini, which was also pretty good. My grandmother's tasted like gasoline, and they all had a good laugh while I sputtered and spat. Oh, silly young one.

I had a good night, after that. A good night.

As of late I feel like I've been a bit of a rollercoaster. Sometimes it's somewhat difficult to find direction, to find purpose. I'll try relaxing into the flow, that should help. It always does. I should go, I have acupuncture in a half-hour. Enjoy the internets!

A Reciprocation

Of love, for my friend Kristiana.





You made me smile,

When all I wanted to do was

Sit on my bum

and cry, for a while



You snuck into my heart,

You must be agile.

To maneuver through valves

And atria



Now we must not part

Or I'll

Sit on my bum and cry again

Basically...



I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living, my cookieface you'll be.

Snuggie-Clad

1. Hungry
2. Irritated
3. Really, really happy.

An odd combination? Maybe.
...Probably. But I don't really care, at this point.

This is the feeling I've been missing since grade 7.
This is the feeling I've never fully felt before, even though I thought I had it a few times.
Even now as it radiates from my core, I have no idea where it's going or what to do with the sheer wonderfulness of it.
The convenient thing is, I don't HAVE to know. Nor do I want to.
I don't know what I want, but I can feel what I want. I think that's more valuable.
People are hardly ever aware of what they feel versus what they know.

Odd Sensations.

After two days of solitary confinement, I'm to be let out. Hopefully. I still feel pretty shitty. But I want to go out. I am alright with suffering the symptoms and near-future consequences, but the only thing I'm wary of is getting others sick.
I'll just have to not breathe in peoples' mouths or butterfly kiss anyone.

'Cuz, y'know. I do both of those things so frequently.

So much gorgeous music has been trickling into my life via the internet. Too bad I don't have iPod speakers or headphones for my iPod. But I shouldn't complain, because there are starving children in Africa who don't have those things either. Perspective is key.

I think this illness is warping my mind! I wouldn't be surprised in the least - I've spent 2 days watching Friends and doing crosswords and making odd poultices for my eyes because my antibiotics ran out. White cabbage and echinacea powder. Oh and castor oil. It's been quite enlightening. Especially taking the internet's advice and putting lemon juice in my eyes to clean out my tear ducts. That was like an eye-hug. From FIRE.

I've resorted to putting chamomile tea and honey in my eyedrop container. It's like Eastern medecine masquerading as Western medecine. Oh man, don't you love it when concepts just personify themselves to shit in your mind? I do. It's involuntary. Like breathing, if breathing sent your thought processes spiraling into insanity.

Today I opened the window and smelled outside, and it was amazing. It smelled GOOD. The fresh air greeted my sinuses warmly. I guess when it's been a while, old friends must reconcile. Absence makes the (nose) grow fonder. I am crazy.

Do you ever get nervous at the most inopportune times? Like when you have to make a decent, respectable first impression, or do a presentation that requires the correct pronunciation of obscure, complicated words. Adrenaline is a funny thing, and that good ol' sympathetic nervous system really knows how to knock you on your ass. At the best of times.

Japanese Dramas & Visual Complications

Last night I spent 6 hours at my friend's house watching this Japanese drama called Hanna Yori Dango, and I am addicted. My mom and brother left the house and I'm seizing this opportunity to use the laptop.
Found out I have pink eye. It's horrifying, so I decided to not leave my house or let anyone but my immediate family see me in this state. I startle myself every time I look in the mirror. It's awful. And entertaining.

I've been occupying myself with Dragon Age, and wandering thoughts. Sometimes they brush through the past, and sometimes they venture out into the infinite possibilities of the future. Life is quite unpredictable, and I think I take that for granted. I'm always secretly thirsting for minute change and richness in my life, simply to keep me on my toes - Then I overlook those minute changes because they are just that. How silly of me... Anyways. I'm going to pour myself into a Japanese tv show. I hope I can read the subtitles despite my cloudy vision.

Grown-Ups Still Dance, Right?

Hey. Did my Bio12 final yesterday. Like, 24 hours ago I was doin' it.
Weird how fast time goes by.

Anyways, aside from the two provincials I have next week, I'm finished with high school. Holy shit.
I don't really know how to go about grasping this, but I suppose I'll just do what I want for a while. Seeing as I have the time and lack of obligations neccesary to do so. Y'know?

Yesterday was my best friend KG's bufdaie, and it was fun. We went to this sushi restaurant in Vancouver that was super yummy. My favorite part was when the two of us got extremely giggly while her boyfriend and family conversed about war or something. I kept making faces at other customers, but they never saw. Well, one guy did, but we probably looked drunk enough to evade too much judgement. We went back to her house, her family & boyfriend napped, and her and I had a wonderful conversation on the carpeted stairs about a little bit of everything.

I don't know how I feel today. I got up feeling sort of congested and feverish, then read Bridget Jones' Diary for an hour and a half. It's sort of depressing. Considering I just finished Memoirs of a Geisha, which, in many ways was a richer book in my opinion, I feel like maybe I should've bridged the gap with something else. I have a book called Many Waters by Madeleine L'Engle. She wrote the Wrinkle in Time series - this book, too, is about wormholes or some bizarre tear in the universe or something.

I think I feel sort of sad and sluggish. I'm not feeling too energetic, but I just ate a bunch of food. I made myself breakfast. Two eggs, two pieces of toast, two european sausages, and half a sliced red bell pepper. A sausage and most of the pepper are still on an abandoned plate in the dining room. I should go get them and finish them. But I'm so frightfully full!

This summer, I think (or hope) should prove to be interesting.

I don't know how satisfied I feel with the goodbyes I've said so far. I told my french teacher I have a crush on him, so I feel somewhat accomplished. And embarassed. But, no regrets.

I'm feeling drawn to the mall. To get bubble tea. But what will that do? I don't know. I have absolutely nothing planned to do today. I want to go to the Richmond Night Market, but alas, I have no money. My mom said she probably wouldn't be able to take me. Harumph. I should clean my room, it's a disaster site.
I had a dream I hung out with a penguin last night.

Oof. I just got hit by a blunt pang of emotion. Does that ever happen to you? You think about someone or something and bang. Oof. It's like a kick in the chest.

Atrioventricular Valves Are My Friends

Biology studying is obviously not holding my attention.
Today, so far, has been a pretty good day.
I don't know if this is just me, but do you ever feel like you feel something but you're not sure, so you overanalyze it and realize that what you're feeling is just a simulation of another feeling you once felt, but then that feeling turned out to be a reaction to false pretenses?
Yeah well that was me last week.
This week, that feeling that I thought I felt totally just Pinocchio'd.
My heart... it's a real boy!

I STILL EXIST

I have no doubt that my number of readers has wasted away to zero. I think I write on the interwebz as more of a self-expression thing than an "I want people to know my thoughts" thing.

Oh hey grad, how are you? Impending? Yes, I have days just like that. Please be kind to my already frazzled nerves. This week is grad spirit week though, which adds an element of hysterical, chaotic fun to the finality of it all. I guess. Oh man. Oh man oh man. As soon as I figure out high school, I'm kindly asked to leave. And now this real world business? I know, this is a very cliche fear. But it's reasonable, and that's why it seems so overdone.

I want a good movie, a tub of ice cream, and a box of kittens. That's all I ask of life.

Moving On.

I feel a lot better. A weight is gone.
I know I still have shit to do before I'm there, and I know I still don't know where there is, but that's okay.
I'm content.

Listening to: Broken Bells
Reading: Buddha Boy

I'm applying to college, I've decided I'd like to learn to bartend... still sort of loose on the career thing. The bartending's just to entertain and maybe make a little money, not for a forever thang. It'd just be neat, y'know?
I'm gonna go clean my room.

Love is so potent sometimes, it's hard to contain.

Irregular

Some people are shits.
It's really frustrating, being able to understand and sympathize with why they're such shits.

Maybe I'll grow into it.

Tyrant - The Bravery

I've discovered my independant, self-sufficient drive.
Need be, I can be alone.
I want a beer.

Red Rabbits

Last night, I had a sleepover with Kiera and Krista. It was very enjoyable. We played soooo much Little Big Planet, which was adorableoverload. Then we came back to my house and watched Mulan, then crashed.
I felt heavy and polluted, but after a good cleansing I feel and (smell) good. Well, better. Still sort of sleepy, but I'm all fresh and wearing a satin dress with my wet hair tied back in a bun. I can't find my lavender oil, which is sad. Probably for the best though, seeing as I'd just pass out on the floor for a few hours. I think it's about time for another haircut. I judge this by how bad it looks when I do nothing with it. It's not BAD, just... meh. I find myself putting it up a lot recently. I don't want to.
So, haircut.
Today will most likely be a relaxing day. Tomorrow's work, and after, my work dinner. lol.

Words Of Wisdom

So. Veli and I are soooo friends. The count is two. Yum.

Today was a good day, I believe. A block, yes, went slowly... B block we watched the 2006 RockSolid videotape. C block was aight and D block was... well. Long story short, our french teacher's is a babe. Cute, yes, but also young and funny and down-to-earth, etc. On one of the quiz questions it mentioned the Canadiens, the hockey team he's rooting for. Beside it, I decided to write, "Good luck!" in french. So I did. Handed it in, quivering slightly, since I'm a shy little thing, surprisingly enough. Then I turn to Leah to check if I spelled it write. Guess. Just guess.


Nope. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLOL
Tonight's a videogamenight and sleepover with Kiera and Krista. I R STOKED
We gonna have some mad ossimthymes, and hopefully I'll forget about my extremely clumsy, inappropriate, irrational flirting.

Nobody Listens to Techno

I am so. Tired.
Today was eventful. Saw Krista's hawse. SO PWETTY but I feel bad because I sort of influenced her to throw spaghetti at the wall. Then we went to youth clinic where they had so many free condoms. I have over 15. I will not be using them anytime soon, since I'm still afraid of kissing and have no prospects atm... So. I don't know why I took them. I was very stealth about it too. Well not really.
My humps.
Eminem and Mario Party.

Bottle Up and Explode!

It should be simple. So simple. It feels simple right now and I feel happy. I am worried that this is an unstable, neurotic happy, but... simple. Just feeling. I am happy and sad right now.

I seem to be attacking some people with affection lately, and I don't know why. It just makes me happy to talk to them and be close to them. I think about them often. I normally don't think about people I see at school.

This is a confusing time, but I don't care. It's, I think, the best I've felt in a while.
Chinese food.

Safety Dance

Dedicated to you-know-who, even though he most likely doesn't read this.
lolgradeseven.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIERA I LOVE YOU.
Kiera's my best friend, and now she's my best friend who is legally capable of buying daggers 'n porn.
lol prOnz.
We went to a Mongolian Barbeque after I finished work. It was LEGIT. 'Sides the beautiful people, beautiful birthday girl, and beautiful otherguywhoIsawandwasquiteadish, the food was delish.
I owe her a prezzie.

Tomorrow's school. lol. Technically today.
Bio, Drama, English, French.
Stoked.

After school I'm going to try to make my way into Vancouver for a sidebag. We'll see how that works out.
I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday. Mine was rather enlightening.

Oof!

Come, spiders and thieves! Let us extinguish our woes and fears and sorrows in a blaze of spontenaiety and flaming determination!

I'm drunk and playing Ocarina of Time and I have to work tomorrow.
lol.

Full Moon

I realized, I've never felt like more of a misfit. More uncomfortable, more out of my element.

And sitting here, I've never felt more alone, misunderstood, or isolated.

If you're judging me because of the mascara trails on my face right now, remember your judgements

next time tears are rolling down your cheeks. Human.

My family never used to bother me, but I never was fully hit by the constant nitpicking and negative shit-talk. Now I have to play a part at every fucking social gathering because of the downpour of disapproving glances and whispers. Just because you're blood doesn't mean you have any right to say whatever you want. That's crap. Honestly there are probably only three people who could come close to comforting me right now. I don't know what to do. I literally feel so entirely lost and weak, and angry at my helplessness. Some sort of shameful, teary violence and desperate protectiveness. What the fuck? I'm not even making any sense.

I want out of this room, of this city, of this feeling.

New Jade

Oh, the feelings one feels.
I'm a confused little puppy recently, but I haven't lended my confusion much though. I figure everything will be revealed in time. It'd be nice if all of my feelings were convenient, but when has that ever happened? Yesterday I bought something that made me consider the fact that perhaps I've pushed through the meaningless charade. Perhaps. But lately I've been constantly wondering that, I got what I wanted. Do I still want it?

I had a weird dream last night. I went to this thrift store with my mom, and I was looking at this iphone (I don't know... anyways) and the girl said the display was "tacky". Like, sticky.
Then she turned into a boy and started cuddling me while I looked at the iphone. He then insisted he go with my mother and I to lunch. Wtf.
I keep having dreams about school, for some reason. I've had 3 dreams by now that I've started Bio and been behind in the class. It's really messing with my perception of reality.

The Bravery.
I keep sneezing!
I don't know what to do today. I want ouuut.

So... Tired....FIRE-EYES

Greetings.

Tonight was pretty wonderful - The lovely Jr. Improv team absolutely shone. I love you guys so much, you did great, even though you guys aren't gonna read this. I feel sort of bad we were being so obnoxious. I guess I just feel like an embarassing parent.

Tomorrow I've got an improv photograph, and a lunch with Grandma to get to.

Fingers crossed about somethin' else.

I'm feeling so many feelings but words can't describe them. It's like a longing to know the future or a longing to feel or a longing to dive headfirst into something I WANT. I want to want. I cannot force myself though. That would be... a mistake. That leads nowhere.

So far so good though.

I want to care. And I do.

Oh, how cryptic... Copyright. Haha. You wouldn't understand anyway.

I love you.

StretchYawn!

I am content.


FreshMusic: The Bravery, The Hush Sound, Placebo, Mute Math, and the Mirror's Edge Theme.
FreshHappy: Smirk.
FreshCuriosity: I can't wipe the grin from my face or my mind! *?*


Today's a day for lazy contemplation, flooding my brain with music, and second hand clothes.
Off to VV with me. <3

MERGE

Now here, I have a question.

How common is it to start crying for no reason? Well not no reason. Maybe it's a song you like and haven't heard in a while - or maybe it's just a buildup of things [not necessarily bad] that need to be expressed somehow. Maybe it's totally human and nobody talks about it, or maybe I'm just a freak or alien or something. An especially weird crybaby freak or oversensitive alien.

I wouldn't be surprised...

This week is break, then next week is semester 2 of grade 12. Fuck, right? Right. I have no clue what I'm going to do after high school. I want to make money or go to school to get a job I give a shit about.

Some nice quotes between my biffle and I recently:

K: It just seems like a really good place to take a shit.

**

K: Young padowan.

S: Teach me the way of the sexual inter-force.

**

I am very very sleepy and it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm just afraid I won't be able to sleep. I could be as tired as I am now [very] and then just lay there and not be able to stop thinking. IT SUCKS. Especially when I'm blank for the rest of the day before bed.

I'm not sure who I'm talking to when I blog. Like... who reads this?

LadyCake

Let's bake some!

Hello, Completion.

This has been my day. Plus some aimless screaming and tickles from Kiera.

Yeah I'm still up, what of it?

Room's clean, my tummy's full. Friends is still on and I still want ice cream. ...speaking of, brb.

Alright, I'm set. My night is complete. After this, I can go to sleep happy and accomplished. Mostly.

I get to play Spirit Tracks sooooon!

Um num num.

Today was okay. Went to the majority of my classes. Went to Metro. Watched Rent. Cleaning room. Set up computer. Currently sitting on coffee table, in a little pain, and very comfy in my Star Wars t-shirt and black shorts. Slightly overheated. Slightly craving ice cream, or a swim, or a teeny tiny hug. PLBTBPLBTPLBTT.

Sometimes I forget I'm human and just don't like talking to other humans. Bee to the izarre. I think I have little bits of glass all over me - I accidentally smashed a beer bottle in here the other day. I didn't mean to, I was a little to relaxed, stretched my legs on the coffee table, and kicked it off. Yes, I do have a beer in my room whils-t watching a movie once in a while, no I am not an alcoholic. I like it. It's organic. And it's honeydew.

Yeah... now that I'm thinking about it, today was pretty dece. A little emotional here and there. But you know, whatever. It happens, that's life, whatever whatever. I'm not complaining. :)

So many unexpected things, lately. Some good, some bad. I wish I could elaborate but, dude... this is public.

My friend Amber turns 18 tmrw. My other friend Kiera turns 18 on the 31st. I feel so young, I just caught up to the 17 year olds, and there they go again, with their legally being able to buy porn and sex toys. Yipes.

I really should go and clean the other half of my room now. Oh, y'know something cool? Well I used to be super afraid of spiders, but, having my room in a basement all my life, I've been conditioned to not run upstairs and yell at mommy to kill is. Today I was moving a spare masterboard that I have, and yes, maybe I did squeal when I noticed there was a spider on it, but after I gasped, I apologized to it. As a reflex. Awwwtf?

...just sayin'.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Tonight was the finals night for the CIG Lower Mainland tournement.
It was fabulous. It was so wonderful to have so many great improvisers on the same stage, and I'm not just saying that to sound like a cheeseham but it was amazing, and hilarious, and warm. It was very warm.
We made it to Ottawa! It was crazy! I felt really good about our scenes. I've never been a main character in story before but it went well. When you're up there you just sort of forget that there's so many people, or they all blur together or something and you're just jamming with the lights and the blocks and your family. It's quite peaceful, but chaotic. I think that's what makes it so fucking awesome.
Nationals aren't for a while, but I'm excited.
Well, I will be excited tomorrow, but right now I'm just warm and tired and talking to an old friend.
I think this night was a success.

Gumboots!

I know, I know I lied. I haven't been writing.

Updates:

On Wednesday night, my improv team made it the finals, which are tomorrow night.

Fingerscrossedtummyflipohmygod.

Sort of had a shitty morning, but it drastically improved after the dance show, which was awesome, and after coaching junior improv, which was entertadorable. Yeah, it's a word, whatever.

I feel like the subject of judgemental stares lately, but they're from the past. How cocky it can be, eh? Oh well. Tonight I shan't be doing much, just nerding out and watching movies by myself. I don't understand why being alone is so bad to the general public. It's not as if, by being alone, you are simply proving to yourself and others that you do not deserve/can't seem to find people to hang out with. I could, I just... I don't know. Won't go looking for it. I find you learn a lot about yourself when you aren't coaxed into acting a certain way around certain people in a certain environment. Everyone shifts and molds, but there's always the possibility to snap back into place like an elastic. I sort of like it. Not that I have an aversion to people or anything.

Oh well. I probably sound like a crazy old lady in the making by this point anyways. I do like cats...

Speaking of pets, I haven't gotten one yet. I was seriously considering a snake for a while, but you have to feed then baby mice. Absolutely nothing else but flesh. Yuck yuck.

Yes I am in the drama room, yes this is the class I'm meant to peer tutor. ...nothing new there!

More updates? Aight. Well I don't remember the last boy I was whining and pining over. Right now, I'm not really... yeah. I don't know. I believe I've grown out of going crazy over boys. As fun as it was... took WAY too long to leave in the past. ;)

Mom's good, but we had a fight today. And while I was mad I walked into a door.

I didn't start crying until I got to A block and ranted to Laura about it. I was laughing and crying while explaining how I forgot to turn the doorknob. It wasn't a bad day, in hindsight.

I get worried. I try not to, but I get worried about some of my friends. Some keep shifting in and out of that title, but I still worry about them too.

Oh, unknowable universe!