Oof!

Come, spiders and thieves! Let us extinguish our woes and fears and sorrows in a blaze of spontenaiety and flaming determination!

I'm drunk and playing Ocarina of Time and I have to work tomorrow.
lol.

Full Moon

I realized, I've never felt like more of a misfit. More uncomfortable, more out of my element.

And sitting here, I've never felt more alone, misunderstood, or isolated.

If you're judging me because of the mascara trails on my face right now, remember your judgements

next time tears are rolling down your cheeks. Human.

My family never used to bother me, but I never was fully hit by the constant nitpicking and negative shit-talk. Now I have to play a part at every fucking social gathering because of the downpour of disapproving glances and whispers. Just because you're blood doesn't mean you have any right to say whatever you want. That's crap. Honestly there are probably only three people who could come close to comforting me right now. I don't know what to do. I literally feel so entirely lost and weak, and angry at my helplessness. Some sort of shameful, teary violence and desperate protectiveness. What the fuck? I'm not even making any sense.

I want out of this room, of this city, of this feeling.

New Jade

Oh, the feelings one feels.
I'm a confused little puppy recently, but I haven't lended my confusion much though. I figure everything will be revealed in time. It'd be nice if all of my feelings were convenient, but when has that ever happened? Yesterday I bought something that made me consider the fact that perhaps I've pushed through the meaningless charade. Perhaps. But lately I've been constantly wondering that, I got what I wanted. Do I still want it?

I had a weird dream last night. I went to this thrift store with my mom, and I was looking at this iphone (I don't know... anyways) and the girl said the display was "tacky". Like, sticky.
Then she turned into a boy and started cuddling me while I looked at the iphone. He then insisted he go with my mother and I to lunch. Wtf.
I keep having dreams about school, for some reason. I've had 3 dreams by now that I've started Bio and been behind in the class. It's really messing with my perception of reality.

The Bravery.
I keep sneezing!
I don't know what to do today. I want ouuut.

So... Tired....FIRE-EYES

Greetings.

Tonight was pretty wonderful - The lovely Jr. Improv team absolutely shone. I love you guys so much, you did great, even though you guys aren't gonna read this. I feel sort of bad we were being so obnoxious. I guess I just feel like an embarassing parent.

Tomorrow I've got an improv photograph, and a lunch with Grandma to get to.

Fingers crossed about somethin' else.

I'm feeling so many feelings but words can't describe them. It's like a longing to know the future or a longing to feel or a longing to dive headfirst into something I WANT. I want to want. I cannot force myself though. That would be... a mistake. That leads nowhere.

So far so good though.

I want to care. And I do.

Oh, how cryptic... Copyright. Haha. You wouldn't understand anyway.

I love you.

StretchYawn!

I am content.


FreshMusic: The Bravery, The Hush Sound, Placebo, Mute Math, and the Mirror's Edge Theme.
FreshHappy: Smirk.
FreshCuriosity: I can't wipe the grin from my face or my mind! *?*


Today's a day for lazy contemplation, flooding my brain with music, and second hand clothes.
Off to VV with me. <3

MERGE

Now here, I have a question.

How common is it to start crying for no reason? Well not no reason. Maybe it's a song you like and haven't heard in a while - or maybe it's just a buildup of things [not necessarily bad] that need to be expressed somehow. Maybe it's totally human and nobody talks about it, or maybe I'm just a freak or alien or something. An especially weird crybaby freak or oversensitive alien.

I wouldn't be surprised...

This week is break, then next week is semester 2 of grade 12. Fuck, right? Right. I have no clue what I'm going to do after high school. I want to make money or go to school to get a job I give a shit about.

Some nice quotes between my biffle and I recently:

K: It just seems like a really good place to take a shit.

**

K: Young padowan.

S: Teach me the way of the sexual inter-force.

**

I am very very sleepy and it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm just afraid I won't be able to sleep. I could be as tired as I am now [very] and then just lay there and not be able to stop thinking. IT SUCKS. Especially when I'm blank for the rest of the day before bed.

I'm not sure who I'm talking to when I blog. Like... who reads this?

LadyCake

Let's bake some!

Hello, Completion.

This has been my day. Plus some aimless screaming and tickles from Kiera.

Yeah I'm still up, what of it?

Room's clean, my tummy's full. Friends is still on and I still want ice cream. ...speaking of, brb.

Alright, I'm set. My night is complete. After this, I can go to sleep happy and accomplished. Mostly.

I get to play Spirit Tracks sooooon!

Um num num.

Today was okay. Went to the majority of my classes. Went to Metro. Watched Rent. Cleaning room. Set up computer. Currently sitting on coffee table, in a little pain, and very comfy in my Star Wars t-shirt and black shorts. Slightly overheated. Slightly craving ice cream, or a swim, or a teeny tiny hug. PLBTBPLBTPLBTT.

Sometimes I forget I'm human and just don't like talking to other humans. Bee to the izarre. I think I have little bits of glass all over me - I accidentally smashed a beer bottle in here the other day. I didn't mean to, I was a little to relaxed, stretched my legs on the coffee table, and kicked it off. Yes, I do have a beer in my room whils-t watching a movie once in a while, no I am not an alcoholic. I like it. It's organic. And it's honeydew.

Yeah... now that I'm thinking about it, today was pretty dece. A little emotional here and there. But you know, whatever. It happens, that's life, whatever whatever. I'm not complaining. :)

So many unexpected things, lately. Some good, some bad. I wish I could elaborate but, dude... this is public.

My friend Amber turns 18 tmrw. My other friend Kiera turns 18 on the 31st. I feel so young, I just caught up to the 17 year olds, and there they go again, with their legally being able to buy porn and sex toys. Yipes.

I really should go and clean the other half of my room now. Oh, y'know something cool? Well I used to be super afraid of spiders, but, having my room in a basement all my life, I've been conditioned to not run upstairs and yell at mommy to kill is. Today I was moving a spare masterboard that I have, and yes, maybe I did squeal when I noticed there was a spider on it, but after I gasped, I apologized to it. As a reflex. Awwwtf?

...just sayin'.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Tonight was the finals night for the CIG Lower Mainland tournement.
It was fabulous. It was so wonderful to have so many great improvisers on the same stage, and I'm not just saying that to sound like a cheeseham but it was amazing, and hilarious, and warm. It was very warm.
We made it to Ottawa! It was crazy! I felt really good about our scenes. I've never been a main character in story before but it went well. When you're up there you just sort of forget that there's so many people, or they all blur together or something and you're just jamming with the lights and the blocks and your family. It's quite peaceful, but chaotic. I think that's what makes it so fucking awesome.
Nationals aren't for a while, but I'm excited.
Well, I will be excited tomorrow, but right now I'm just warm and tired and talking to an old friend.
I think this night was a success.

Gumboots!

I know, I know I lied. I haven't been writing.

Updates:

On Wednesday night, my improv team made it the finals, which are tomorrow night.

Fingerscrossedtummyflipohmygod.

Sort of had a shitty morning, but it drastically improved after the dance show, which was awesome, and after coaching junior improv, which was entertadorable. Yeah, it's a word, whatever.

I feel like the subject of judgemental stares lately, but they're from the past. How cocky it can be, eh? Oh well. Tonight I shan't be doing much, just nerding out and watching movies by myself. I don't understand why being alone is so bad to the general public. It's not as if, by being alone, you are simply proving to yourself and others that you do not deserve/can't seem to find people to hang out with. I could, I just... I don't know. Won't go looking for it. I find you learn a lot about yourself when you aren't coaxed into acting a certain way around certain people in a certain environment. Everyone shifts and molds, but there's always the possibility to snap back into place like an elastic. I sort of like it. Not that I have an aversion to people or anything.

Oh well. I probably sound like a crazy old lady in the making by this point anyways. I do like cats...

Speaking of pets, I haven't gotten one yet. I was seriously considering a snake for a while, but you have to feed then baby mice. Absolutely nothing else but flesh. Yuck yuck.

Yes I am in the drama room, yes this is the class I'm meant to peer tutor. ...nothing new there!

More updates? Aight. Well I don't remember the last boy I was whining and pining over. Right now, I'm not really... yeah. I don't know. I believe I've grown out of going crazy over boys. As fun as it was... took WAY too long to leave in the past. ;)

Mom's good, but we had a fight today. And while I was mad I walked into a door.

I didn't start crying until I got to A block and ranted to Laura about it. I was laughing and crying while explaining how I forgot to turn the doorknob. It wasn't a bad day, in hindsight.

I get worried. I try not to, but I get worried about some of my friends. Some keep shifting in and out of that title, but I still worry about them too.

Oh, unknowable universe!