Clif Bars and Battlescars

God, do I love this feeling.

I'm very slowly coming down from the high of talking to someone you didn't know you'd missed.
It's not the complicated kind of miss, either, that makes you feel sad and caught up in the past while yearning for the future so you can see them again. It's a very nice, very simple feeling.

'I am so happy to hear your voice again.'

In addition to that, I feel super duper healed. These last months (or, last year) haven't been all painful, of course not, but the sad times were raw and the angry times really knew how to surge and disrupt me. I was battered by wind and words and absences and it's only ceasing to matter around now.

It's easy to see where it all comes from, too. My life was calm, and then it became this chaotic uproar of growing up and falling in love and I put so much of myself into it that when it all fell from the pedestal, I shattered too. How dramatic, yeah? Well, it's true. This last year I've been so broken, but that's not really a bad thing. It's a great thing. In sadness, I've had to venture inward to figure out what was what and what was wrong. When you start investigating yourself for bugs and broken parts, you're inevitably going to learn exactly what it is that makes you tick.

For me, it took a while. I could tell you though, without hesitating, if you asked me.

I also stumbled upon this vast deposit of passion that I didn't know was in there, and when I woke the beast, she was pretty mad. The only thing that was really going on for me was a loss, and the passion just jumped right on that bandwagon... That's where the anger was. Anyways, once I learned how to forgive and redirect that, I'm brand spankin' new. Well hell, I'm 19, so I have not doubt that this will happen a couple more times, but I feel pretty solid.

Every time I have some sort of experiential epiphany, I feel like a completely different person, and I am. I doubt this has made sense any of the 50 million times I've said it, but I don't feel like a different Sarah, I just feel... more. More myself. It's fuckin' lovely.

I decided to write a blog post because I feel as though I always turn to my blog when I'm feeling angsty and depressed. More often than not, I just use this as a way to express myself - understandably so. It's like a journal, but with the added challenge of owning your words. I'm saying extremely personal things here, and, though I doubt anyone reads this, there is that possibility. I like open. I like honest. So, here I am.

I should be off to bed now - work tomorrow morning, and I've yet to brush my teeth. Naughty.

Goodnight lovely world, with your goods and bads, your ups and downs, your rights and wrongs.
Goodnight to all of your polar opposites, and to everything in between.

<3

Revert to Reverb

I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, I don't try very hard to, mind you.
There's still the fire in my belly, and I think it's left over from that time I tried to clean me of the imprint you left - the painful, leftover kind - not the wonderful experience we had together, kind.

This will likely pass within a week or couple days, but right now I just really miss you. I'm not even really mad anymore because that feels like part of the past - in every right, you should be part of the past, too, but I have dreams sometimes in which you are my present and future. It's bizarre.

The strangest thing about all of this is: I'm alright. More than alright, I am so happy with my life, and who I am as a person. I've reached a new level of fulfillment and have so much motivation and ambition and potential that I'm always moving. I haven't fallen on my bum to cry about anything in a long, long while. It's a beautiful feeling, getting into the flow. This emotion, this remembrance, is part of it. A friendship that wasn't really a friendship that got intense and tangled, and then separated as abruptly as it was thrown together - condensed and contained into two separate people and two separate lives. Still so far apart, but in sync with the paths we may be on - exploding from the cocoon in a flurry of transformation and transcendence. In our ways, yes; in our own ways. Always individual, but so connected. Maybe that's what I feel.

I am not sad. This is not sad, anymore, but it's anticipation that one day we might get to dance circles around each other again. As strange as we may be to each other now, as scary as this all may be, you've gotta admit. It was fucking awesome.

Nothing but love, I send to you. The rest of my emotions are my business to sort.