First, let me introduce myself.
My name is Sarah. I’m a 19 year-old woman with a 6
month-old kitten, a rampant donut addiction, and a predisposition to liking
pretty things.
I am a consumer.
I am part of an age-group that is targeted time and time
again by companies that want to sell me anything and everything. Apparently I
need to wear makeup to be attractive and successful, laser hair removal to keep
me from being an undesirable Sasquatch, and a gym membership to keep my buns in
tip-top shape. I am bombarded all day every day with messages from bus benches,
radio stations, newspapers, all telling me who I should be, and what I should want. It's been a while, and I’ve begun to notice a pattern.
To begin, (and, everyone probably notices this) there are
trends. Similar to how body shapes go in and out of fashion, certain lifestyles
also become more or less vogue as time goes by. For example, in these most recent years, it
is extremely hip to be eco-friendly, health-conscious, and open-minded.
Obviously these are not negative things – in fact, awareness of your body and
planet shouldn’t be this innovative, new-age concept; it’s common sense to give
a shit about health and environment, no?
There are certain words that appeal to the folk who’ve
jumped on this bandwagon; words that have been taught to us by Professor
Widescreen and Dr. Oz. Without further adieu, I present to you the words that
will make your wallets cream themselves.
1. Antioxidants!
-No frills,
antioxidants are molecules that inhibit the oxidation of other molecules. How
does this translate to health? Perhaps the inhibition of oxidation in cells has
some way of keeping us humans intact, but my point is: there is no way we (the
consumer) deduced, for ourselves, that antioxidants are beneficial for our
bodies. And where is this information coming from? Qualified professionals?
People who genuinely care about our well being? Or is it a company who wants to
make a couple bones selling us some pseudo-quick-fix for our shitty lifestyles?
(Also, a quick
Google showed me that while everyone was crapping themselves about the efficacy
of antioxidants at the start, large clinical trials have actually indicated
that some antioxidants are not beneficial, and when subject to
oversupplementation, can actually be harmful)
2. (Blank) Technology!
-I think it’s a
crime that you can use the word “technology” whenever the hell you want. You
usually hear the word “technology” used in toothbrush or face wash commercials,
and this implies that you are buying a product that was painstakingly honed by
the world’s top scientists. My favorite product features are ‘crossed-bristle
technology’ and ‘foaming technology’; they really give an unrivaled boost to my
morning hygiene regime. Here's a fun facial cleanser commercial. I know they don't say 'technology', but they lip-sync, and that's just as bad.
3. Probiotics!
-As someone who
has done a lot of informal research on probiotics (anyone who has ever had a
yeast infection probably hears me on this one) knows exactly what probiotics
are. Simply put – good bacteria. They make your tummy (and your vagina!) happy.
A lot of yogurt commercials will beat into your skull that their yogurt has ‘live
cultures’ of probiotics. Rad, otherwise they won’t do anything. My issue with
this one is the implication, however subtle, that probiotics are solely for fixing the digestive tracts of women. Luckily, I've found someone who agrees with me. Take it away, Sarah Haskins.
(Also, did you know that it’s apparently kosher to put
really scientific-sounding but entirely fabricated words into your yogurt commercials?
Me neither!)
4. Vintage!
-I get the appeal of this one, I do, and I'm aware of the fact that some people take it a lot more seriously than I do. Vintage is environmentally friendly, and if done right, looks fresh as hell. However, some outfits (and their price tags) can not be justified by the fact that they're old. 'Cuz that's really all it is, man. In twenty years (I looked it up), all our new, modern clothes will be 'vintage'. You can just look at it as... thinking ahead. It's an investment.
Well, kids, the moral of the story is to be discerning in what you hear. Just because Dr. Oz says Pu'erh tea will help you lose weight (and he has said that, I work at a teashop and had to deal with the aftermath of that episode), does not mean it will do the work for you. Your toothbrush is probably not all that fancy, and yogurt (unless unsweetened) has enough sugar in it to encourage yeast infections despite the probiotic content. Do your own research, but in the meantime, enjoy kale chips and mason jars before they become "so last season'.
-ST
