It's more difficult to sleep with the sounds of life above and around you. It's difficult not to get frustrated, too, but it is not my place to stifle the trajectories of their will. I'll just stfu and write a post that hardly makes sense to those outside my brain. What else have I ever been known to do?
I don't know why I feel melancholy today. It's only mild. I could chalk it up to a lack of direction or drive, because I know that these things are present in my life right now... I could chalk it up to the fact that I want and fear something with equal energies, which causes a bit of a black hole... There are quite a few things that could account for this sunken feeling that, once again, makes me feel vulnerable.
I have no qualms with being so. I think that there are far too many people who resist the human state of vulnerability due to a paralyzing fear of being hurt, but, chances are, if you don't open up and expose a little bit of yourself to others, how can you be sure you're actually making a true connection? My point is that maybe it's worth it.
And I wish I could program my thoughts. They tend to run rampant, often far away into the future, and instead of listening to my heart (which tends to lead me to the places my mind foretells and gets super stoked about), it's like I go comatose in the present and travel far into the future, dancing in illusion. I wrote a little note about this kind of daydreaming on my iPod touch on the way to work. This weekend was a good weekend for writing, and I kind of snicker at the fact that I get these bursts of inspiration at the most inconvenient times. I've grown pretty used to it now (grown expectant of the unexpected?), so that may be why a lot of people are confused about how mellow I can be most of the time, and why I'm sensitive to pattern.
In my few months off school, when I didn't have a job (or basically any commitments whatsoever), I feel like I just sort of morphed into this half-human, half-sprite form. I wasn't hardened by any outside experience, but I danced and played in my little world of books and music and thought. I surrounded myself with friends, yes, but I found myself in my own company quite a bit of the time. I didn't mind it. And perhaps I knew myself better, then... Or knew that self better, anyhow. I'm pretty different now, and I'm sort of afraid I'm going to fall into another void.
It's not so scary, really. I've endured some pretty rough experiences in my "down-time" which may surprise some people. It's not really that easy to not do anything. If I don't have a schedule, or someplace to be or someone to meet, I'm virtually forced to take a closer look at myself. When I'm always on the go with work or thinking about school, my mind is preoccupied with the present and the future, but very rarely the past. In my reclusive times, it was the past that snuck through and sat with me on my couch as I stared, in a meditative state, at the ceiling.
Some of my most painful memories came and sat on my chest, making tears prick in my eyes. When that happens, there's nothing I can do but process them. It feels kind of nice, actually, when I'm finished. I basically relive it until I realize, "Yeah, that was stupid. That was a really dumb choice I made, but it led me to a better place in the end, and I'll never be that same brand of naive again." And it doesn't even seem so bad. Put in perspective, a lot of the worst moments of my life weren't as scarring as I thought they were... Embarrassment was always the predominant emotion in them. Fear wasn't. Insecurity, mostly.
Life happened, too, though to most people I'm sure it seemed like I was attempting to avoid it. "Just messin' around," I'm sure they thought. I have never done more personal or spiritual work than that time I spent alone. And maybe that's what I need to do again, now. I don't want to make a decision just yet - it's been barely two days since my lifestyle has changed again, and I haven't yet gotten into the flow of it. My life just sort of presents me with these opportunities or shuts down others that wouldn't be too beneficial. I guess the hardest part is knowing what to do when it seems like nothing is happening. Or, only one thing is happening, and due to the other voids in my life, I fixate. I do think I'm getting better, but my heart wants something, and my head tries to do the rest of me a favour by coming up with these elite plans and visions of what it would be like if my wish were to manifest... As I said before, this just leads to an endless loop of "What ifs" and "I wants" and "Why can'ts". And it sucks. Because I'm missing the awesome that's in the present.
I really do want to write a book. I've, of course, mentioned that I really want to write the next LotR books - the books that will have an enormous band of nerd followers. Keep in mind I use the word "nerd" not as an insult, but as a classification of a group of people who know how to let their minds explore. Star Wars was a hugely 'nerdy' film, but if you were to watch it with me, I could basically tell you from which religion a lot of the main quotes are from. It's a receivable parallel to spirituality that a lot of people have trouble interacting with because of the heavy stigma attached to it. It's strange to me, sometimes. Everything and nothing is strange to me. I feel like an alien.
Wow, I've written quite a bit more than I thought I would. I think I'd like someone to talk to, instead of exploding all of these feelings and whatnot into the internet. As an outlet, it's nice, but I want someone to share with. That's been one of my repeated daydreams or fantasies, if you will. Talks about the real and the honest and the simple, as well as talks of the surreal and the mysterious and the complicated. Then after that, I want to play some video games, make some food, and fall asleep.
It's such a tricky thing, vulnerability. As soon as I admit to myself that I'd like a companion, I am bombarded by fear and insecurity again. I used to not pay mind to social convention and rules about physical contact, I just let it flow. If someone needs comforting, give their shoulder a squeeze. If you want to communicate something without words, lean your head on their shoulder. Now it's as if I'm trying to calculate what would and wouldn't be acceptable - what would be intrusive or unwanted, and what would be well received. Is there any way to tell? I would have to sit down with every single person in my life and go over a computer-printed list of interactions with three boxes next to each. "Is hugging acceptable?" Then I'd have to check 'Yes', 'No', or 'Sometimes'.
Fuck 'No' and 'Sometimes', hugs are rad.
You see what I mean? Or, I could just chill the fuck out and let it flow. Intuition is a wonderful and powerful thing, if I'd just let it do it's thing instead of stifling it with my mind. Man, this is where all of this is coming from, isn't it? I think way too much. I'm so congested sometimes. I really think I might need a little while to tune back in. But how do I do that? And why am I already exhausted at the thought?
Because you're weary and caught up in the intellectual.
Yes, I know. But what do I do?
You just proved my point with the "I know". Why do you have to do anything?
My mother's voice is forever programmed into my spirit. I don't want to say head, because that doesn't even begin to cover the impact she's made on me.
Man, I really am a total hippie.
