Rain! AHHH!

Gorgeous day. ...Unfortunately.
Just kidding.

Ish.
Cleanin' room. Sidetracked by computer. What else is new?
Hum. Heart full. I want to save Ferelden today... maybe.
Hooked my iPod up to my xbox, which I didn't know I could do.
I'm going to go dance-clean. Goodnight.

Vulgar Dreams

I had a hungry nap today. I say that because I dove into that bed like a fat girl would dive into a bowl of chili after a night without sustenance. ...That's rude. But I'm not apologetic enough to rewrite that. Meh.

Anyways, I had a bunch of... intruiging dreams. According to my wise mother, when one has dreams of... excretion, regurgitation, or defacation, it implies that one is working through some emotional or psychological pattern that had engraved itself into one's habits.
This is why I am glad I had such horrifying dreams. It is a sign of progress, of cleansing.

Going to Krista's pretty quick. Not sure what this night will entail, though I am quite certain it'll be a hoot.

I have to keep reminding myself to lay back and let the universe guide me. Sometimes I get so caught up in things that my brain freezes and I end up just watching Friends and eating too much to numb whatever confusion comes my way. And that, mes amis, is not a pretty picture.
(Well, metaphorically. I'm sure the image of me, slumped on a couch and stuffing my face with lemon meringue pie is aesthetically scintillating.)

I feel oddly frustrated. Congested in some sense.

BUT I am almost into the last class I was waitlisted for. HUZZAH! The waitlist dance is almost through. I really am very fortunate. Thank you, Lady. And I still pray... for... well, you know. I hope you guys've got my back on this one, because I'm flailing.

Cats Comfort Cramps

I am thankful for my Cleo, and her unfaltering determination to be up in my face all the live long day. Because when she sits on my tummy, the warmth and weight calm stress and other complications. Yes? Yes.

My cousins should be here in like 15 minutes, and for some reason I think I'm suffering from babysitter stage-fright. Since those instincts have kicked in, I'm somewhat frightened of children. Isn't that funny?

Had acupuncture again today and it was great. As soon as I came out of the appointment, though, my mom notified me that my brother needed to be picked up from camp. I'll be nice to have him home, though it's a shame he didn't get to enjoy himself out there. Such is life.

Runny noses... Sneezing... Ugh.
I just want to read books! And get a computer and go to college. Ohhhhhh baby. College.
Eustress. And regular stress. I need to lay down or something. Hum...

So yeah. My mom's MIA for more or less four hours, and I'm in charge of the wee ones. I hope I do alright... I get to make dinner with them! Maybe they can help me... Markus might be more savvy than I; he certainly has a passion for cooking.

I can only spout 3-line paragraphs, it seems. Odd. BREAK THE MOULD.

Haha.

Tired Eyes

I'm not going to fight the future any longer. I'm too warm and happy and overwhelmed with love for all the wonderful and horrible people in my life. If I get what I want, fabulous. If not, I'll learn more about the world and start wanting something else. I of course can't help but yearn, but there's a difference between love and pining. One is useless. And love is just the opposite of useless.
I'm probably just floating in between that space of conscious and not-so, so my words might not fit together as seamlessly as they do in my head. But I surrender, I hereby fall back into the outstretched and supportive arms of God and the universe and Lady Fate. I'm all yours, you guys. Show me whatchya got. ;)

I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so overwhelmed.

Oh My

I dislike that the only place I can get internet is haunted by the stench of cat shit.

I really really do.

Anyways, today was okay so far. I watched a bizarre movie with Krista, and then we had a good talk and some giggles. Right now I'm trying to cope with all of this free time, while simultaneously attempting to wrap my head around how much of a blessing all of this time is. I'm listening to Beyonce because Grooveshark told me to.

Pulled more cards today, and they're telling me to revel in the beautiful transition that will soon be my life. They're also telling me to decide. Ah man... I don't know how to do that from the isolated island I'm on right now. It's gorgeous and wild here, but cut off. I'm prone to projections and murky waters.

Not sure what I'll do with my time tonight. I may venture out if this pain recedes... it's not so bad right now. We'll see what my tired body feels like doing. It may just be this.

Salut.

Bubble Tea

Today feels like a good day for rain. I hope it rains.

Last night I went to go see Eat Pray Love with mama and Nicole, as I mentioned previously. It was a really good movie, and it felt like there were little inside jokes in it just for me, since I'm not all that new to spirituality. Yeah, I cried. Whatever.

I'll probably just end up moping around the house today, seeing as I'm not in the best physical condition. I just want to rest. Physically and mentally. I wasn't worried yesterday, and today doesn't feel like worry either, just... disconnected. I guess. I think it makes me sad, but I'm too disconnected to tell. Interesting turn this has taken.

I'm moving up on my waitlists, and I'm almost in to 2 of the 3 courses. I'm full of (subtle and dormant) anticipation. I'm going to miss the summer when it's gone, and I'm afraid because it's almost at that point. Sigh.

I'll probably write later - If I stay inside, I'll be magnetically pulled back to this laptop. See ya.

Mraaaaaaaaaaah

Guess what I had for breakfast this morning? Honey Sunshine. Not kidding, that is the name of my cereal.

I feel braindead and sluggish and I want a nap but tonight I'm going to dinner and a movie with my mom and her friend, Nicole. I'm looking forward to it. We're going to see Eat Pray Love, which my mother suspects will not be profound enough to satisfy my thirst for enlightening movies. I've gotten used to the industry, and I'm not snobby. I like fluff, I do. I also like thought-provoking movies. And funny movies. I've just found it hard lately to thoroughly enjoy a movie without getting distracted by, "I paid money to watch this. Why..." Anyways. I probably didn't communicate the point I wanted to... I don't know if I had a point... Do I ever?

This morning I woke up. Good start to a day, I know. Showered, then put on a face mask and pulled some tarot cards. I hope I'm not seeing through some elusive and manipulative lense, but most of the cards I've been pulling lately have been telling me relatively similar things. And, things I already knew on some level, but need to surface. Gash, my nails are getting too long to type. It's kind of bizarre. It feels like I'm typing with those fake nails I used to put on when I was little.

I wish appearances weren't so important. When everyone's so inwardly focused, they're hesitant to dance or slide in mud. I miss mud, I want mud. I want snow and Christmas and romance and a pet elephant with whom I can telepathically communicate. Anyways.

Friday night, my little cousins are coming over and I'm babysitting them overnight. It should be fun, and engaging. Recently, I've realized, my maternal instincts are kicking in. It's scary, but it's like I'm waking up or shedding a cocoon or something deeply symbolic and metaphorically cliche like that. Whoops, that was actually a simile... My mistake.

I was in an overpriced clothing store with my grandmother the other day, when a confused little girl (probably like 5 or 6 years old) came up to me and put both of her tiny hands on my thigh and looked up at me. It was literally heartwarming. I was immediately confused at the pure truth of that cheesy expression. When she realized I wasn't, in fact, her mother, she took her hands off of my leg and stumbled to her real mom. I was filled with this (once more, confusing) sense of longing. Then my brain flooded with teen pregnancy warnings and Rocksolid flashbacks. Whew. What an interesting development in my life as a young woman. Here it comes...

I was reading a book called "Women Who Run With Wolves" a couple of days ago, and I think that was probably the catalyst for this change. There's no way I'll be able to explain this as well as the author, who is a psychologist and astounding poet, but I'll make an effort.

Basically the introduction to the book was an explanation of the basic female energy. The Wild Woman archetype is simply a personification of said instinct, to help the audience relate to "her". Before Revlon and Wonderbra, the only concerns of women were love and expression. The most emphasized of loves were her children, and her mate. If you'd like to know more about it, get the book. It's fantastic so far, and I'm a tad bashful to admit I shed a few tears while reading it. She speaks so passionately about something I only related to as an aching echo in my chest. When my family used to go on hikes and I would nap on a moss-covered slab of rock, I felt the ache. When I'm drawn to animals, domesticated or wild, I feel it. It's like I've forgotten something, but it's not out of reach. That's what lies within all women, however molded or changed we are by modern stimuli. The basic energy of the trees, the earth, the animals. The energy of Eden.

Go ahead and think I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm so used to it. If I let it hold me back, I'll just explode.

Anyways, in my opinion, that's what's becoming of me. This "Wild Woman instinct" is all wakin' up and stretching and ready to run with reckless abandon to the nearest... anything.
I'll tell you something, though. Loving is a lot less complicated when your head isn't involved. Sure, loving from the heart increases minor chest pain, and shortness of breath, and heart palpitations... but doubt dissipates. Let's just say that I'm glad for that, and those of you who know my backstory will understand why that is.

I'm going to get on my way, now. But if you'd just do me one tiny favor today... Don't wear any makeup. Just don't do it. And follow one impulse (harm-inflicting impulses are exempt from this request) you normally wouldn't. Read a book outside. Say something to someone you were too scared to yesterday. Lay starfish'd in the middle of the room and sing at the ceiling.

I dare you.

Indian Food and Belgian Chocolate

I realized today that I'm plagued by foodlust. It's hilarious, and I feel like everyone thinks I'm pregnant.

"Yew knaw what's hawt? Jake Gyllenhawl in lavinder underwhurr."
-Kiera F.

Anyways. Acupuncture was amazing. I enjoy my relationship with my naturopath; It's not unlikely that the topic of conversation will shift from my blood sugar to video games, or boys. And he's a male, so those conversations are hilarious.

Maybe VanSlam tonight. For now, I'm going to shower and nap and pamper myself a little bit.
Oh me, oh my... I'm all sighs lately. I'm not confused as to why. Frustrated, maybe, but that's the way things go when you have feelings all over the place.
What a messy and beautiful life this is.

Good Afternoon.

The little one left for camp, today. By little one, I mean brother. It's weird. I hope he has a hell of a time, though. Folks normally do, where he's going, but he's never been away before. We'll see. I think I miss him...

A couple days ago I spent some time with my grandmother. She's a beautiful and generous woman, but one of the things that makes her so hilarious to be around is her honesty and mild racism. Honestly? It's those little quirks that cause me to admire her so. Long drives to various malls were made so much more intruiging by her views on life, her derogatory observations, and her attempts at explaining why the world is the way it is.

After the first full day of hardcore shopping, I was rather tired, and thus decided to have a nap. It didn't occur to me that I would, perhaps, wake up at 10 and, perhaps, be obligated to sleep again. Essentially I stayed up till three o'clock am, looking through old photo albums. I loved so many of the pictures, and was very tempted to steal a select few. I refrained, fortunately. Stealing memories from your grandmother is rather immoral, I assumed. Eventually I slipped into an uneasy sleep and dreamt about C-sections and wild hogs.

The next evening I was fortunate enough to have dinner with my grandmother, my mother, and my grandma's friend, Anne. They were all lovely company; even moreso after a martini. They each encouraged me to take a sip from their glasses. My mom had a Guiness martini, which was actually delicious. Anne had a green apple martini, which was also pretty good. My grandmother's tasted like gasoline, and they all had a good laugh while I sputtered and spat. Oh, silly young one.

I had a good night, after that. A good night.

As of late I feel like I've been a bit of a rollercoaster. Sometimes it's somewhat difficult to find direction, to find purpose. I'll try relaxing into the flow, that should help. It always does. I should go, I have acupuncture in a half-hour. Enjoy the internets!

A Reciprocation

Of love, for my friend Kristiana.





You made me smile,

When all I wanted to do was

Sit on my bum

and cry, for a while



You snuck into my heart,

You must be agile.

To maneuver through valves

And atria



Now we must not part

Or I'll

Sit on my bum and cry again

Basically...



I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living, my cookieface you'll be.

Snuggie-Clad

1. Hungry
2. Irritated
3. Really, really happy.

An odd combination? Maybe.
...Probably. But I don't really care, at this point.

This is the feeling I've been missing since grade 7.
This is the feeling I've never fully felt before, even though I thought I had it a few times.
Even now as it radiates from my core, I have no idea where it's going or what to do with the sheer wonderfulness of it.
The convenient thing is, I don't HAVE to know. Nor do I want to.
I don't know what I want, but I can feel what I want. I think that's more valuable.
People are hardly ever aware of what they feel versus what they know.

Odd Sensations.

After two days of solitary confinement, I'm to be let out. Hopefully. I still feel pretty shitty. But I want to go out. I am alright with suffering the symptoms and near-future consequences, but the only thing I'm wary of is getting others sick.
I'll just have to not breathe in peoples' mouths or butterfly kiss anyone.

'Cuz, y'know. I do both of those things so frequently.

So much gorgeous music has been trickling into my life via the internet. Too bad I don't have iPod speakers or headphones for my iPod. But I shouldn't complain, because there are starving children in Africa who don't have those things either. Perspective is key.

I think this illness is warping my mind! I wouldn't be surprised in the least - I've spent 2 days watching Friends and doing crosswords and making odd poultices for my eyes because my antibiotics ran out. White cabbage and echinacea powder. Oh and castor oil. It's been quite enlightening. Especially taking the internet's advice and putting lemon juice in my eyes to clean out my tear ducts. That was like an eye-hug. From FIRE.

I've resorted to putting chamomile tea and honey in my eyedrop container. It's like Eastern medecine masquerading as Western medecine. Oh man, don't you love it when concepts just personify themselves to shit in your mind? I do. It's involuntary. Like breathing, if breathing sent your thought processes spiraling into insanity.

Today I opened the window and smelled outside, and it was amazing. It smelled GOOD. The fresh air greeted my sinuses warmly. I guess when it's been a while, old friends must reconcile. Absence makes the (nose) grow fonder. I am crazy.

Do you ever get nervous at the most inopportune times? Like when you have to make a decent, respectable first impression, or do a presentation that requires the correct pronunciation of obscure, complicated words. Adrenaline is a funny thing, and that good ol' sympathetic nervous system really knows how to knock you on your ass. At the best of times.

Japanese Dramas & Visual Complications

Last night I spent 6 hours at my friend's house watching this Japanese drama called Hanna Yori Dango, and I am addicted. My mom and brother left the house and I'm seizing this opportunity to use the laptop.
Found out I have pink eye. It's horrifying, so I decided to not leave my house or let anyone but my immediate family see me in this state. I startle myself every time I look in the mirror. It's awful. And entertaining.

I've been occupying myself with Dragon Age, and wandering thoughts. Sometimes they brush through the past, and sometimes they venture out into the infinite possibilities of the future. Life is quite unpredictable, and I think I take that for granted. I'm always secretly thirsting for minute change and richness in my life, simply to keep me on my toes - Then I overlook those minute changes because they are just that. How silly of me... Anyways. I'm going to pour myself into a Japanese tv show. I hope I can read the subtitles despite my cloudy vision.