It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily live
I don't have much money, but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody that this is your song



I really should return my library books.
Something is different now... I know, a lot of things are different. Yesterday, I thought it would be hard to look at anyone else and feel what I feel now. It isn't easy, and it may be a while. I feel like my life is leaking out into the world to root in things unknown. Who am I? I don't know. There are very few things I'm sure of. I know that I love animals and they fascinate me. As I'm writing this, my cat is laying on my lap, purring like an idling car, staring up at me with her Cleopatra eyes. I'm listening to the Veronica Mars soundtrack. I know that love songs make me ache and that I should probably be asleep right now. What makes me feel alive? When do I feel free?

I feel free when I'm singing. I'd like to buy a proper guitar... I feel alive when I kiss, when I hug, and when I run. When I think about soaking in the sun so much that it leaks from my skin at night. I feel alive when I make people laugh and when I dance and pray. I feel free when I don't even remember what insecurity is - when I climb trees, when I hang upside down. When I push past my boundaries. When I know exactly where God is and what God is doing - when coincidences seem, instead of random, like a fondly left clue. I feel free and alive when it begins pouring rain outside, or when I relish the sight of fresh, clean snow. When the feeling of my body is not just background noise, when riveting emotion or stimulus demands my attention. I feel alive when my heart pounds, and I realize I can't let the person in front of me walk away. When the words come out of my mouth despite the dryness of my tongue or the shaking of my hands.
I feel free when there is no shame or hesitation in my honesty... I feel alive when I say 'I love you', and mean it with all of my heart. When I notice subtle little cues that reciprocate my love.

I feel free and alive knowing that my future will not be the void I fear. I feel safe knowing that, as it moves steadily and inevitably into the present, it will be full of adventure and colour.
Dragon tattoo, hm?

Your Song

I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind...

I just watched an episode of Veronica Mars, and Piz straight up kisses Veronica. My heart exploded, I'm actually effected by this. It so helplessly reminiscent of grade seven, when I'd listen to a love song and become so inspired that I would conclude I was in love with whoever, and that I should run to their house and tell them.

What I didn't realize, was that I would not have gotten the anticipated response. A grade seven boy who had just been told he's loved would likely not kiss me and hold me and vow to be my lover and protector. He's say, "Uhm... I think that's weird..." and canter awkwardly away.
Maybe one day, I'll grow up enough to properly estimate who will receive me as I expect.

I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like the world is so big and messy. It's bothering me, I feel congested. Maybe it's just this corner of my room - my tv was here before I rearranged things. Nothing makes sense... I'm just listening to Keane, thinking about how messy the world is. Messy and big. Man, it's sunny outside.

Addressed to the Rest

Okay boys, listen up.

You're all so interesting. I cannot address you by name, so I choose to take a blatantly artsy and vague approach and address you all as one entity. I've been weighed down lately by all colours of emotion - some positive, some negative, most foggy. It's time to get it out and pray that none of anybody ever forever knows who I'm talking about. Keep in mind, though, if you must attempt to decipher who I'm talking to and/or about: I have met many males. Some experiences may echo of others, so be hesitant to jump to conclusions. I may not be praising or razing who you think I am.

I absolutely cannot believe you. Something obviously happened, maybe some chemical reaction or misunderstood message, but I can't even describe this as anger. The only thing that's rippling through me as I think of you is a longing to understand what happened that made you forget - we were such good friends, you and I. I know nobody said 'forever' but it's such a shame that it turned out to be a silent lie. I guess you're just the same kind of person that I can be... And now I know how it feels, being so helpless and confused. But the people I do this to move on faster than I am right now.
And I love you. I know I've never been able to say it to your face because sometimes it's hard to look you in the eyes. I'm not sure exactly why, but it's just so personal. Looking into your eyes is the equivalent of kissing someone - it's a level of intimacy that I can't bear a lot of the time, knowing what I know. It was like falling, that time you held my hand.
I can't thank you enough for being such a jerk to me. I was young, and I should be mad at you for taking advantage of how impressionable and in love I was, but I won't. You were young, too, and I'd rather have you teach me by making me cry a few times than having someone else teach me by being the wrong husband. You were like a training ground, and though I still hold a fascination with you, I feel pity for you. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I feel like I've grown up since we were fourteen, but I can't confidently say the same of you. How can I know, though? I don't know you anymore anyways.
I want you back.. It's not logical or noble or respectable and I can't help but judge myself for being weak. I should reflect, renew, and move on. I should accept that the future is going to flood my life with new places, people... But here and now, I want to run to you. I want to kiss you and tell you how indispensable you are to my heart and life.
What's stopping me?
Time, distance, logic.
So instead, I'll write love letters to you that you will never read. I already have a drawer full, and I don't even know if you're curious. It wouldn't help either way. I won't be free of this until I want to be, I know that - and I'm conflicted because I do and I don't. Over the next little while I will completely change as a person, but I'll still be Sarah. I wonder if these little flags with your name on it will remain in my left ventricle or not... Right now, I don't want to fall out of it. So I'll just deal with the weight of keeping all of this to myself.

You know why?
A) Because it's best
B) Because you ignore me anyways, and
C) Because we haven't talked in three years.

This is why I'm such an angsty little girl.

Take Me To The Riot

So ridiculous... This is what I was afraid of.
I know I can't see or type straight
But
Whatever.
It's someone's birthday.
I love her.
I want a multigrain bun.
Grilled cheese mmm
Shoulders mmm

Sugar and Spice

Well, isn't this lovely?

I'm inclined to hope and believe that everything will seem calmer in the morning. However, at this precise moment, the silt at the bottom of this raging river is a bit blinding. What else is there to do but sleep, Sarah? Well, I can write, regardless of who reads.

Never did I think I would be on the other end of a Holden, having just begun resting after one confession. Never did I think I would have all of these ties to people to whom I thought I wouldn't... And it's like there are two strings between us, and I wanted to cut mine first, and am so insanely hurt that I didn't get to. Or maybe I'm just hurt that it was cut at all.
And then there's the judgment, and the roughness, and the clashing of heads and opinions and egos and my room is such a mess, which indicates that my heart is such a mess-
Honestly, the only thing I want right now is to incubate in a dream cocoon, where I can process everything I've cracked open and spilled out in the last few weeks. I want to integrate, compress after the expansion before I expand again. It's not useful to fill myself with projects, then get all messy with glitter and glue before breaking out the pipe cleaners.
It'll just be an even bigger mess.

How can I say these things to people? I don't want to be told what to do, where to go, what to say. I don't want to be spun by different people in different directions. Maybe that's why, so often, being left alone feels like the safest and best option. Because I am so frustrated with people telling me to do what they think is best - when all I want is love. That's it. I know that that will guide me to where and who I'm supposed to be.

Not selfish love. I am not to be taken or changed by anyone and I admit that I'm angry. Forgiveness flows through me, but my hackles are still raised. This isn't how this should be.

I want to start fresh, and I have faith that I will be granted that. Quite a few of the things I love have crumbled into barrier, pain and loss.

Where are you?

Prayer Flags

Life's kinda funny sometimes.
I feel the need to censor myself, like I've told someone I'm only one facet of myself, and it's necessary to play that role. It's like whittling myself into one shape, when I am not meant to be one little piece of pine. I'm meant to be entire, shapeshifting forests of light and colour.

I'm listening to that high-pitched ring that silence sometimes has. I'm listening to it and reminding myself that yes, this silence belongs to me, but it isn't everywhere. Sometimes I feel like this is the only room in the world that exists, I am the only person, and silence is the only sound.

In this city though, somewhere, someone is laughing. Someone is crying, someone is saying 'I love you', and someone is petting a cat. And, maybe, someone is thinking about me.

When I think about all the times I've sat in my room, in my silence, thinking about someone... It seems strange to me that they weren't aware of it. I guess it's impossible to tell how much someone actually dedicated their energy to you unless there's proof... That should be obvious, I guess. It would be, to most people who aren't philosofaded all the time.

Maybe I'll make a row of jars with Sanskrit names on them (to keep the names a secret) and put one of those little paper stars in the jar every time I think about that person. Some of the jars would be overflowing with those little stars, and I think that would be a good thing. I would only put a star in the jar if it were a loving thought, like the ones I have before I go to sleep, about hugging the ones I love. That's what comforts me. And imagine being someone, and being shown your own over flowing jar. I think that, depending on who you are, you'd either be creeped out or extremely touched. It depends what the other person is asking from you, I guess. There is no fear involved with love sans expectation. Just love.

Today was my last appointment with my favorite naturopath, and I'm a weird kind of sad. I'm very appreciative the experience, and it's not like I'm romantically disappointed (he's married and I've always known that)... Because it's not an orthodox crush. I suppose it was simply because I haven't known a man's energy like that before... And that's what I was attracted to. Maybe I find one someday that isn't already betrothed. That would be nice... I'm going to miss him.

I had a nap earlier, and had a dream about Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars. I don't know why he was in my head, since the two men I have a crushshshsh on from that show are Deputy Leo D'Amato and Troy Vandergraff (Sean Ashton mmm), and I'm sure it speaks to my bad-boy complex. Yes, it is there. After all these years, I'm still working through it in my subconscious. Wonderful. At least I'm processing it in my dreams instead of pursuing certain boys because I find disrespect sexy... I'm so glad I'm past that. I don't know why it takes so long for some women (myself included, though I'm sure the title of 'girl' is much more fitting) to realize that being treated like shit isn't exactly what you want in a relationship. There are better things, believe it or not.

Big sighs. I'm broke. Quite, actually, and it's a bit of a bummer. I would like a full time job so I can travel later in life... Or maybe I could take out a student loan and start school again. What direction do I head in, honestly? I do want to travel and gain life experience before I start heading in a certain career direction... I don't believe it would be wise to pick something without ever having traveled overseas. How can I expect to make a well-rounded and informed decision about my future if I've never left my hometown for more than seven days?

I'll talk to Claire and Rosemary. That'll be my starting point, but... In the meantime, I will fall into dreamy dreams.

Long Claws

You know what?
Maybe I'm done with being sad. Maybe, somewhere deep and secret, I'm still hurt, yes.
But I am done missing the people who don't miss me.
Why should I fight for you, huh? I have for so long, and gotten nothing. I'll move on, like you, and try not to care if you miss me later or not.

For the longest time, I've feared being alone, and was saddened by the fact that people kept subjecting me to solitude. Life carried them away from me on every level.

So I'll sit here, listening to the Shins and not wanting to see your smile. I would cuss at you if I thought it was how I actually felt, but this is a process. Sadness, to anger, to peace. I look forward to the peace bit, but for now I will move quickly.

Anklets and Angles

Tonight was good.
If I could change anything, though... it would be this urge to see Hannah Montana: The Movie because Lucas Till is in it. I don't know what it is with me, but I totally have a thing for Havok. In case you didn't realize, I saw XMen: First Class this evening. It was awesome.
I just can't shake these superhuman crushes. Oh well, I'm sure it'll subside in a day.

Errm.

Priscilla Ahn

Once I was a little girl, alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees,
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And slept in my little bed of green.

I had a dream,
I could fly from the highest wing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark,
Through woods grown behind the park
I ask God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down on me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer, and fell asleep

I had a dream,
I could fly from the highest wing
I had a dream

Today I don't feel heavy.
I still feel broken and weak, but I was able to smile today because I know this is simply a remodeling. He told me so himself. I have so many guardian angels. I have the tiger, dog, dragon and gargoyles who guard me as I sleep;
The archangel in my dreams who was trapped in a room with me - and every time he spoke to me, the agents killed him. But he kept coming back to listen.
The busker at the station who sang Bob Marley at exactly the right moment... My naturopath, the woman at Tim Hortons who called me sweetie.

Then there's one more. Don't doubt that you know who you are. You always know. You just don't want to admit it, Earth Angel.

I think it would do me some good to go dancing and sweat some of this stuff out... I just don't know if my heart can take it.

Thank you, God. I thought I had fallen back into a void, but I only now have realized that you've lifted me up... and it is the Earth that has fallen away from me.

Goodnight.

Cat's Eye

In my dreams, lately, I have been spending a lot of time crying and bleeding.

Last night I cut my thumb at a party, but the dark red blood was flowing and falling from my hand at a rate that scared me. My lifeblood could not be contained or supressed by the thin cloth of my shirt. I bled on the floor and on the people who were fighting to get me bandaged.

I cried, too. Someone, a girl, saw me as beautiful and brought me to a toy store that didn't exist as part of a celebration for her niece. The girl chose a stuffed rabbit. The image of her surrendering love to the toy made me burst into tears and run.

There was another dream, when a madman realized he had control over the elements - they obeyed because his heart was in harmony with them. He showed this to his friends, to their joy. Fellow 'superheroes'... and when someone came to him in fear, telling him what he was doing was wrong, he caged the man in twigs so he would calm.

So now - back in my body and somewhat exhausted from the sleeping, I laugh internally at myself. My hair is wavy and wild, my guards are down and I'm wearing a Snuggie improperly. I would like to get my blood tests done today, however I feel vulnerable. Though I want to be alone, I don't want to face a prodding needle without someone there. I'll stay home.
I don't want to see anyone today.