Shrunken Lungs

The entirety of today was beautiful. Perhaps the pathetic fallacy was a little opposite, but that's part of the bittersweet smile on my face. In the morning when it was sunny, I was crying, but then the sky showed me up in the evening by raining cleansing energy down on me. I was so free, running up the driveway to the River, barefoot. Stomping into the hardwood floor, I was free and happy and God had kissed me on the top of the head so I know I am his daughter, full and true.
(I almost wrote 'but', but there is no 'but' in love.)

I was comforted, and now I am sad once more. Not to say that the wonderful night had no effect on me - I think it's exactly what I needed, and the fact that everything is so okay just makes me yearn. That bursting feeling is in my chest, still. I've never let it stay and grow for so long before - usually I chase it off by running away, and away from it. But now it's celebrating so vibrantly and relentlessly in my chest that it's a ceaseless thrumming that drums out tears because it can't get outside of my body through my arms and my lips and my fingertips. And how alone I am in this, it seems. I feel. I think. I mostly feel so horrifically alone in my own growth because it's down some side road I thought I wouldn't have to venture alone. I think this isn't appropriate, divulging all of these intimate emotions via blog.

Just stop me if I post my social insurance number. Yeah, numbers are much less personal, but identity theft would just really suck.

I don't know what to do.
Why do you have to do anything?
Because if I don't, I might just crack and shatter into a million shards of rose quartz, or explode into a million daisies, that will float down to the floor and land in my empty shoes. What a beautiful mess that would be. And that's what it would be, because it's something so huge and glorious that's threatening to burst me. How do I even try to contain it?
Don't try. Explode, you beautiful mess.


"Come down now", they'll say; but everything looks perfect from far away. "Come down now"-
but we'll stay.

Words can't express, but the look on my face can. I wonder what you'd see.