Imitation Imitation Crab

I just wanna be where I wanna be. I think it's safe to say that it's worse at night, with fractured memories of the day cycling through my head. The ups, the downs, and the moments where I just so badly wanted to feel, but I didn't know where to start. Where are the boundaries? Where do we start anew? I just wanna be where I wanna be. And I don't want to think or judge or fear, I just wanna be. Something warm would so perfectly balance out the could rain. Something solid and strong would balance out the watery consistancy of my equally rainy mind. I just want to be grounded, a treehugger. And if there's any tree I know who's suitable... Ah, but alas, such thoughts are inspiring a tiny 'tsk tsk' in my cortex. It's echoing from this tiny little lady who likes to keep rules in check. She's such a very small part of my decision making-process. My heart is home to a big, buoyant and jubilant African woman who laughs too loudly and drinks to much wine and snore when she sleeps. She will not be quieted - especially by the bony, dusty elder in my head. I make less and less sense each day. My habits are changing - my sleep schedule is entirely reversed. I get up at quarter to five at the earliest and seven at the latest. I get to bed between ten and eleven thirty. How strange all of this is, it makes me uneasy. Though I know this is what I am supposed to be doing and I feel I am just needing to grow accustomed to these new things. They are lovely - the candid and playful banter at my work place, and the simple pleasure of tearing tickets or folding papers. I'm gaining financial independance, too, so I may travel and throw myself, entirely helpless, into even more unknown. I'm going to go now, I'm tired. I have to get up at four fifty. I am not unhappy - I realized today that though I was shattered entirely the last few days, I am still whole. My heart aches, but it's not broken. I just feel lost, though I know, of all things that've been happening, I've been found. I just wish for my tree.