Thunder

I'm bored. And in describing the rest of me, I'm going to try to describe all of the emotions I'm feeling. I sometimes focus on the negative, yes.

I'm sleepy. I'm a bit disappointed and lonely and angry. I feel like my life is so very molten, which isn't a bad thing; I'm just hesitant to flow away from one landmark when the next is so very elusive. I should try to remember than water doesn't pause or falter.

Time, like water, keeps going. I made a choice a long time ago to try and keep my face above it by inhaling and laying on my back instead of fighting for the things I feel like I've lost. I trust. I know that my life is going to be so much more than it is now. I will always have memories and experiences that have marked me forever - and tearing myself away from them has lately been a challenge. My heart is entirely my own, now, but I'm still struck by the fleeting feeling of wanting to smile and look at those I once felt strongly for. It seems I push people away - everyone I've gotten emotionally engaged with has virtually dropped off of the face of the Earth once we've agreed to go our separate ways. Maybe it's beneficial. I know in some cases it definitely is, otherwise moving on would be a trifle difficult.
However, I don't know how I feel about having a tendency to make people crave distance. It's an odd thing to be thirsty for, or at least my ego would like to think so.

So here I am. This is where I've been placed. I could be anywhere in the world right now, with anyone, doing anything, but this is where I have been put, or chosen to be, or happen to be. It's never an accident, these things. My isolation could seem as inconsequential as a dropped penny, or as coincidental as two dogs wagging their tails, but I know better than that.

To be molten is to be dynamic, and to be dynamic is to change. How better to do that than to remove oneself, or, be removed, from everything that has lately been a constant? The only thing I have brought with me into this new environment is me. That makes me wonder what kind of tools I have on my belt that make me useful. What desires have I brought with me? Aspirations? Thoughts, morals, prejudices? What do I carry?

It's not easy. There are at least two people I want to shove and say, "So, where the fuck have you been?" And another three or four that make me want to slip some Xanax into their coffee. I'm so sensitive that I can't be around some things, and some things make me so angry.
The instigation is an accusation that I needn't plead guilty to, though.
Like water off a duck.

Maybe it's because it's night time, or because I must be hormonally charged, but I'm awfully melancholy. And I know that a lot of people would blame that on my being female, and that makes me want to shank people. Seriously. I'm really sick of gender roles, because I feel like once I started paying attention to them, they get more and more present and concentrated every day. It's not about rights or being able to wear pants - it's dealing with a misconception in the collective consciousness of the world. These things start with truth, before they're struck with an imbalance. Then it topples into chaos, and he were are - prancing merrily through a field of neuroses, singing misguided tunes. I'm fun today, eh?

On a happier note, I love the beach. Especially when the tide is out. I may ditch humans for a while, and commune with nature, God, you know the drill. Maybe I'll find myself out there.