Glass Jars

The only thing worse than self-pity is silent, underground self-pity that manifests on a subconscious level. I am so incredibly sick of walking around with my head held low, wondering why I have to be stuck with these seasonal feelings of worthlessness, why I have to be stuck missing people who couldn't give a flying fuck about me, and why I have to be stuck with such a watered-down and inconsistent sense of self.

I'm just going to be completely honest with where I'm at right now - who the fuck am I? I've been consciously observing this for the past week or so. Some days I feel really good about the words that come out of my mouth and the way I relate to people. I felt awesome on Friday night, because I didn't let any of my insecurities get in the way of what I wanted to say to people or who I wanted to hug. I felt awesome. Yesterday, I felt less so. It's like I had stepped out for the night, and my body had to act alone, but it can't focus on relating to people or loving on them... My cells have to multiply, worry about phagocytosis, eat one another, etc etc. My body isn't too great at Sarah-world relations, in most respects. I wasn't grounded, I guess.

I woke up this morning and lay in bed, circling all the things I feel like I'm dragging behind me, through the sand. It's like I have these fabric bags on strings, tied to my arms and knees and feet, and they're weighing me down so I can't run.
One of the bags is work. Is this what I should be doing? Can I do it? Can I continue to do this for enough time to save up traveling money, or would a more low-key job be better? I may be more comfortable serving people in a restaurant or something. I took the knife to that string, though: Maybe. But now is not the time to tell. Working at a restaurant or something would be like chickening out. Canvassing is pushing my boundaries, for sure, but isn't that what I want? I don't understand how I expect to hide for 6 months, and then throw myself into Southeast Asia or India. Working in Vancouver, I'm building my resistance to the noise, and the negative human interaction, and even the city fumes.

As for the rest of my fabric bags, perhaps some will remain for a time. It is more difficult to cut the ties when someone has left an imprint on your heart... Perhaps for now I will just keep my blade poised to cut. When the time is right, I will not hesitate.

I was internet stalking Christopher Lowell yesterday... he's an amazing person, from what I can tell. He's a spontaneous traveler, a passionate musician, and a soulful photographer. On top of that, he's quirky, witty, and a talented actor. What an interesting person he would be to have in my life. After a long while of chasing him through web domains and youtube clips, it hit me; instead of being obsessed and lost in the character of this person, why not let him inspire me? That's truly the reason I thirst for connection with these people that I long to meet. I resonate with some aspect of their personality. Who knows, maybe someday I'll meet Christopher Lowell and we'll have a conversation. But instead of being blank and gushing to him how awesome he is for having all of these adventures, why wouldn't I want to volley back some of my own?

Celebrity crushes are tricky. It's hard to simply ignore these people, and it's even harder not to idolize them. I have to work to convince myself that people like him exist, far from the pedestal of fame. I hope they come into my life. Expending focused energy on someone who is inaccessible is exhausting and fruitless.

I know what the next step is, I can feel it hot on my brain.