Tie-Dyed

I feel fine, right now.
I'm extra sleepy because of the beer, but I'm okay.
It's probably pretty evident to whoever has been reading my blog that I've been going through a bit of a rough time, and it's true. I have been, and I hope that my expression of frustration and pain hasn't come across as pleas for attention or simple whining. If it seems annoying or excessive, by all means you are invited to ignore my blog entirely. Quite honestly, I use this space to talk mostly for my own benefit. I know that the people in my life, if they care about what's going on with me, will ask. I basically just write to get things off my chest.

I feel like I've done just that, lately. After a few weeks of feeling like absolute shit and obsessing over things that are simultaneously in the past and in the present, I'm feeling pretty okay. My memories will not leave me, but I will no longer use the term "haunt" to describe what they do to me. Sometimes, things suck. That's how it is. People change and they're impossible to change back to their factory settings. But you know what else is imperative to know? It's not all about them. There are billions of people in this world, constantly changing. You're one of them. I'm one of them. And why should I feel like I have to be the same person with the same feelings for my little changelings? You've gotta roll with the punches, evaluate and re-evaluate. Just because someone was once worthy of your time and tears doesn't mean they are now. It works the other way too, just so you don't think I'm bitter; just because someone was once given a respectable and deserved social berth doesn't mean they should be alone forever. People wake up, people fall asleep. Parts of us die and are reborn every fraction of a second, and if we get caught up in retaining an unhealthy protocol, we are being restricted.

I've been getting into music lately, because I'm followed an impulse to go to the library. I rented a few movies and a large stack of CDs. From this, only more interest has come.

This next part is unrelated.
I biked home at 2AM this morning. It was so peaceful, with the dim lights only slightly warming what would have been a very desolate atmosphere. I was a little frightened and torn between my instinct to get home and the desire to linger and appreciate the beauty of the silence. I found myself wishing I could experience a night time bike ride like that with a guy. Not just a guy though, but the person that I can feel in my heart. His physical features keep shifting in my mind's eye, but that is not yet important. I feel like I know this person, and the way we would talk to each other. Hopefully I'll know him when I meet him, because it's pretty inevitable.
I'd like to make a habit of that, if it doesn't mess up my sleep pattern too much... Early morning bike rides, I mean.

I'm tired. Goodnight.