Capo on the Ground

I think I'm laughing at myself.
I'm a funny lady, that's for sure - the way I continue to give people chances to give me something they haven't even got anymore. Why do I have another tab open, waiting?

Because I don't easily give up hope, I suppose. The thought makes me want to cry, but I know there is a possibility that this can all go away with one brief exchange. I wanted closure. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but noone really reads this anyway. I've slipped into this irrational state, but that's because the loose ends are tripping me up. I want this finished, because all I can think about is when it can continue. I don't want that, it kills me.

Why am I always outsourcing? I'd love more than anything to be able to see myself as I am, but I have such trouble. I want to be and be able to do so many things that I criticize and distract myself. It's as if I need someone to balance me out, to weigh me down with love and affection. Otherwise I'll just float away and dissipate into this identity-void creature.

I look around my room and I see so much colour. So many indications of life and passion. If I were to walk into this room, unknowing of who lived here, I'd think she was a pretty cool person. A Star Wars poster of the later cast rocking out onstage, two Christmas wreaths, collages of herself and family... So much heart has been put up and displayed on these walls, and I'm still looking for something. I've left myself all of these clues, right in front of me - I look past them every day and they're continually in my face.

Am I afraid of what I might find? ...Why?
I asked for, I ache for so much. I just want peace and joy, instead of always working for something. I feel really lost, I guess, because something is tugging at my soul and I'm blind as to where it's coming from. I pray for the strength in my heart to know my path. I also pray for the strength to follow it, even if I can't see the ground beneath my feet.

I want so many things. I've wanted things before - they come to me. Then I want more things. What am I building?