memento vivere

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily live
I don't have much money, but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody that this is your song



I really should return my library books.
Something is different now... I know, a lot of things are different. Yesterday, I thought it would be hard to look at anyone else and feel what I feel now. It isn't easy, and it may be a while. I feel like my life is leaking out into the world to root in things unknown. Who am I? I don't know. There are very few things I'm sure of. I know that I love animals and they fascinate me. As I'm writing this, my cat is laying on my lap, purring like an idling car, staring up at me with her Cleopatra eyes. I'm listening to the Veronica Mars soundtrack. I know that love songs make me ache and that I should probably be asleep right now. What makes me feel alive? When do I feel free?

I feel free when I'm singing. I'd like to buy a proper guitar... I feel alive when I kiss, when I hug, and when I run. When I think about soaking in the sun so much that it leaks from my skin at night. I feel alive when I make people laugh and when I dance and pray. I feel free when I don't even remember what insecurity is - when I climb trees, when I hang upside down. When I push past my boundaries. When I know exactly where God is and what God is doing - when coincidences seem, instead of random, like a fondly left clue. I feel free and alive when it begins pouring rain outside, or when I relish the sight of fresh, clean snow. When the feeling of my body is not just background noise, when riveting emotion or stimulus demands my attention. I feel alive when my heart pounds, and I realize I can't let the person in front of me walk away. When the words come out of my mouth despite the dryness of my tongue or the shaking of my hands.
I feel free when there is no shame or hesitation in my honesty... I feel alive when I say 'I love you', and mean it with all of my heart. When I notice subtle little cues that reciprocate my love.

I feel free and alive knowing that my future will not be the void I fear. I feel safe knowing that, as it moves steadily and inevitably into the present, it will be full of adventure and colour.
Dragon tattoo, hm?