Prayer Flags

Life's kinda funny sometimes.
I feel the need to censor myself, like I've told someone I'm only one facet of myself, and it's necessary to play that role. It's like whittling myself into one shape, when I am not meant to be one little piece of pine. I'm meant to be entire, shapeshifting forests of light and colour.

I'm listening to that high-pitched ring that silence sometimes has. I'm listening to it and reminding myself that yes, this silence belongs to me, but it isn't everywhere. Sometimes I feel like this is the only room in the world that exists, I am the only person, and silence is the only sound.

In this city though, somewhere, someone is laughing. Someone is crying, someone is saying 'I love you', and someone is petting a cat. And, maybe, someone is thinking about me.

When I think about all the times I've sat in my room, in my silence, thinking about someone... It seems strange to me that they weren't aware of it. I guess it's impossible to tell how much someone actually dedicated their energy to you unless there's proof... That should be obvious, I guess. It would be, to most people who aren't philosofaded all the time.

Maybe I'll make a row of jars with Sanskrit names on them (to keep the names a secret) and put one of those little paper stars in the jar every time I think about that person. Some of the jars would be overflowing with those little stars, and I think that would be a good thing. I would only put a star in the jar if it were a loving thought, like the ones I have before I go to sleep, about hugging the ones I love. That's what comforts me. And imagine being someone, and being shown your own over flowing jar. I think that, depending on who you are, you'd either be creeped out or extremely touched. It depends what the other person is asking from you, I guess. There is no fear involved with love sans expectation. Just love.

Today was my last appointment with my favorite naturopath, and I'm a weird kind of sad. I'm very appreciative the experience, and it's not like I'm romantically disappointed (he's married and I've always known that)... Because it's not an orthodox crush. I suppose it was simply because I haven't known a man's energy like that before... And that's what I was attracted to. Maybe I find one someday that isn't already betrothed. That would be nice... I'm going to miss him.

I had a nap earlier, and had a dream about Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars. I don't know why he was in my head, since the two men I have a crushshshsh on from that show are Deputy Leo D'Amato and Troy Vandergraff (Sean Ashton mmm), and I'm sure it speaks to my bad-boy complex. Yes, it is there. After all these years, I'm still working through it in my subconscious. Wonderful. At least I'm processing it in my dreams instead of pursuing certain boys because I find disrespect sexy... I'm so glad I'm past that. I don't know why it takes so long for some women (myself included, though I'm sure the title of 'girl' is much more fitting) to realize that being treated like shit isn't exactly what you want in a relationship. There are better things, believe it or not.

Big sighs. I'm broke. Quite, actually, and it's a bit of a bummer. I would like a full time job so I can travel later in life... Or maybe I could take out a student loan and start school again. What direction do I head in, honestly? I do want to travel and gain life experience before I start heading in a certain career direction... I don't believe it would be wise to pick something without ever having traveled overseas. How can I expect to make a well-rounded and informed decision about my future if I've never left my hometown for more than seven days?

I'll talk to Claire and Rosemary. That'll be my starting point, but... In the meantime, I will fall into dreamy dreams.