Sugar and Spice

Well, isn't this lovely?

I'm inclined to hope and believe that everything will seem calmer in the morning. However, at this precise moment, the silt at the bottom of this raging river is a bit blinding. What else is there to do but sleep, Sarah? Well, I can write, regardless of who reads.

Never did I think I would be on the other end of a Holden, having just begun resting after one confession. Never did I think I would have all of these ties to people to whom I thought I wouldn't... And it's like there are two strings between us, and I wanted to cut mine first, and am so insanely hurt that I didn't get to. Or maybe I'm just hurt that it was cut at all.
And then there's the judgment, and the roughness, and the clashing of heads and opinions and egos and my room is such a mess, which indicates that my heart is such a mess-
Honestly, the only thing I want right now is to incubate in a dream cocoon, where I can process everything I've cracked open and spilled out in the last few weeks. I want to integrate, compress after the expansion before I expand again. It's not useful to fill myself with projects, then get all messy with glitter and glue before breaking out the pipe cleaners.
It'll just be an even bigger mess.

How can I say these things to people? I don't want to be told what to do, where to go, what to say. I don't want to be spun by different people in different directions. Maybe that's why, so often, being left alone feels like the safest and best option. Because I am so frustrated with people telling me to do what they think is best - when all I want is love. That's it. I know that that will guide me to where and who I'm supposed to be.

Not selfish love. I am not to be taken or changed by anyone and I admit that I'm angry. Forgiveness flows through me, but my hackles are still raised. This isn't how this should be.

I want to start fresh, and I have faith that I will be granted that. Quite a few of the things I love have crumbled into barrier, pain and loss.

Where are you?