Pyrotechnics

Hello, reader.

Tonight's an interesting one. I feel as though I've had similar experiences and been left feeling similar emotions at the end of the night. Let's contrast this year with last, shall we?

Last year, my friends were new. They were shiny and mysterious because I hadn't worn them in or been worn in, in a sense. I was naive, focused and flighty. I didn't pay attention to the fireworks, as we lay on the blanket facing the ocean. There was someone and something far more interesting laying to my left. Afterwards, I walked through the city light-hearted and barefoot.

This year, they are familiar. Warm and safe, like family. Not akin to family, but family itself. I am grounded, grown and curious. I paid attention to the fireworks, this time, though I also learned a very important lesson that I will perhaps take with me for the rest of my life. I have encountered these situations before, and I highly doubt I'm the only one - this time, though, it wasn't going to let me getting away with ignoring it. I was overwhelmed by a strange feeling, almost as if I were torn or confused, but not quite. I learned that, though emotional ties may be severed, intentionally or not so, adoration simply does not fade.

There is difference, for me, between actively caring for someone - making a habit of thinking about them, hoping they're happy, wanting to spend time with them - and surrendering to your path. I have let go of what was being moved from my life. With a bit of a fight, I do admit, but after enough time passed to balm my burning heart, I have settled. I have begun to burn with a different kind of fiery love, and I am satisfied with that. My life is full - I am complete, yet a work in progress. My point is that, in addition to this satisfaction and pacified state, I feel similar feelings to those I did before I surrendered my active love. These feelings, though, do not carry a bittersweet or anxious need to hold the butterfly, so to speak. I will not draw nearer to the beautiful light, for fear I will scare it away. I had my dance, my game, my time with this energy. It came to an end and that's fine - my heart is unchained, but my breath is still taken from me sometimes.

Walking downtown, I found myself feeling vulnerable and fearful. I wanted to snuggle into the safest thing I could find, but I didn't, for fear or rejection or general awkwardness. I wish I could communicate the genuine sentiment behind my actions, for they could easily be misread. I do not ask for affection, commitment or anything else. It doesn't need to be scary or weird or over thought, it's quite a simple gesture. If I were a man, I would love to shelter those feeling fragile. Heck, I do it anyway. I may be built thin, but intention and love can stand for much.

I have so much appreciation for the people in my life. My friends, my family, my strangers. Yes, my strangers. At least once a day, I look at someone and am struck by how beautiful or kind they are. Some people just have such a bright light around them that it makes me chuckle, because they don't even know. They could just be sitting across the table from me, talking about my professional endeavors (or, lack thereof) and all of the love they send to people, all of the hard work they do, all of the prayers they say, they're all floating around, looking at me, smiling and showing off on that person's behalf.

"Look here," they say. "I am beautiful and I don't even know it."

So I smile, I nod, and I continue the conversation.
Prayer has been lovely lately. Today on the skytrain I was praying lightly, when in the distance, I saw this enormous concrete wall in some empty lot with the words, "I LOVE YOU" spray painted on it. I laughed and smiled and wanted to put my hand to my heart.

Another time, I woke, but found myself not wanting to get out of bed. I turned on the radio with a distant sense that something inside me was welling up, about to burst. I didn't realize how sad I felt until "The Light Is You" by Said the Whale began playing, and I knew that song was for me. I began sobbing, like that time a busker was singing Bob Marley when I was feeling the worst I ever have. I can be lifted by song when I am heavy with sorrow, and God always knows just what to say.

Love is powerful.
Goodnight.