Reflexpectations

Sometimes, I underestimate people.

More than that, though, I get caught in my own silly little expectations for myself and then get wrapped up and lost in them.

I make plans with people, with a vague idea of how the night or day may go. I'm entirely aware of the fact that I cannot foresee or control the flow of the day, but more often than not, I find I mislead myself entirely.

Living in the moment is strange. It's quite beautiful, I think, and I've learned that in the few instances in which I've gotten a hold of some sort of understanding of why. I am one to be lead by my heart instead of logic or cognitive strategy, sure, and yet I am never exempt from surprise. One person can knock you over the head with an opinion so wise, that you feel entirely ashamed for being surprised that those words came out of their mouth.
"Why did that strike me?" I thought. "Have I been so blind to this potential?"

But I've learned now, and don't carry that shame with me any longer.

Along the same lines, but entirely different - waiting for some vague event to manifest in my timetable really has given me a lot to think about. Discerning between projection, vision and intent can be difficult... if it needs to be at all. Man, I think Yoda's my fuckin' spirit animal.

I feel happy today. Not earlier, on the surface. Perhaps on some deeper subconscious layer, I was. I feel like I should be panicking into the pages of my blank agenda, but I'm smiling at them. My empty hands will soon be filled, and at this time, I cannot tell you what with.
Perhaps a pen, a hammer, a paintbrush. The hand of another? A bunch of sand, or a stone from the shore... I don't know. And I don't have to know - if I knew where I was going to end up, how can I even begin to fathom how I'm going to get there?

Ah, the arbitrary and circular philosophical rants of an 18 year-old.
Paradoxical.
Confusing.
Nerdy, on occasion.





...Where on Earth do I find a second-hand skateboard?!