Conan

I feel like I'm mourning a loss.
I can say that I suppose I am, but it is a healthy one, and before anyone jumps to any assumptions, I suppose I should explain.

I've been feeling quite heavily bombarded by my memories and energetic baggage. Particularly with the males that have been in my life - memories and precise details of our encounters will resurface and painful echoes will sound through my chest. It is in these moments that I realize I am not through with them. Though most of them are out of my life, or pay no mind to me, or even miss me terribly - I mourn them. That doesn't have to be a sad thing, however, for it is not my duty to carry them with me. These last few days, I've been reiterating my own boundaries as a person, and not primarily as an empath. Not to sound as though I don't care about people; I can be compassionate to the point of harming my own self, which, in the end, is not an adequate or appropriate practice for anyone. How can I continually help people if I am depleted?

There is a fine balance in cultivation and compassion. Now, I am (as always, it may seem) going through another period of transition. We did some practices at the workshop I went to that focused on clearing out energies of past lovers (even though 'lover' meant 'sexual partner', I still gained something from the experience) and it felt nice. The difficult part of where I am now, though, is that my energies are expanding and desiring and searching... Not for a counterpart, but for more clarity in myself.

The other day I couldn't get out of bed. It was a brief spell of depression, nothing to worry about, but I realized I didn't know how to be happy. I started asking myself, "What is the point? How do I do anything if I don't know what brings me joy?"
And a friend of mine answered, "You have to find out!"

So maybe that's what I'll search for. I'm trying not to write for the audience I know I have, because I don't want any of my opinions or experiences to be misconstrued or taken out of context... I am at a place right now where I feel strong. My expectations of the future have no control over me, and I am still doing some deep emotional work.

On top of all this, I am so grateful for all the love in my life. It's difficult, I find, to prune this plant. As much as it might be easier to let the plant grow wild and untamed, such growth cannot last. It is not sustainable. To trim here and there, and to tie it to a little stick, will cause the plant to grow healthy, and with a straight stem. My, I am so good at being vague... As the gardener in this metaphor of mine, I must accept the responsibility of cutting and clearing the parts that are out of control. As guilty as I may feel, I challenge myself to trust in my intuition. It has not misled me before. I know that I have the potential to be a graceful and loving groundskeeper, should I speak from my heart.

I wish love and light to anyone who reads this. Even in my darkest moments, I know there is light. This is the nature of duality and the paradox of life. It is sometimes from the muddiest ground that the most beautiful flowers blossom.

Ah, to be a petal on the wind.