Claws and Flaws

My life is taking a drastic turn towards the different and renewed.

Perhaps I've been wanting this for a while - not to say that my life has ever been stagnant or unmoving - that may have been my perception at the time, but the flow of time is like water cascading downwards. Now I sit in the dark of my living room with my cat on my lap, alone for the first time in what seems like weeks. I am tempted to feel sad, but I just feel calm.

I have learned so much in my life. How can this be, when I am aware of only a portion of what I do not yet know? I know general facts, how to check the oil in a car, and some specific and bizarre facts with which I doubt anyone would be bothered.

I feel so human today.
I don't often feel reptilian or amphibian, mind you, but today I experienced physical pain and happiness and loneliness and the very real need for affection. It's quite interesting how there is a general stigma against wanting to be in contact with others. It's humbling, the way we can't exist unless we exist beyond ourselves. There would be no purpose, otherwise. And as Mr. Smith stresses in the Matrix trilogy - purpose is integral to existence.

I want to be so many things. There are little hints that float about inside me that could easily be transformed into practiced movement and sound. I want to become a DJ, a street artist, a free-runner, a drummer, a dancer, a singer, counselor, a preacher, a rapper, a mother, a wife, a child. I am all of these things, somewhere. Some don't exist to the outside world, yet. However the potential is there, and it is real. The potential could be so gripping and valuable if we could see or use it.

Skinny Dipping

I had quite a productive day today, I think.
I wrote and mailed, along with a DVD of my drawings, musings and music, my letter to Chris Lowell. I left my dress with a seamstress so she could fix it, I learned about the cleanse my mum is on and will set an appointment with my naturopath for Monday, and then we went to the beach.

I was a bit sad at first, because the tide was in and I thought it would be too cold to swim.
We went to Crescent, however, and it was quite warm. I waded into the water with my bathing suit and tie-dye shirt on (I'm shy) and walked quite far out. It was so beautiful at dusk... Every movement I made created a ripple that reflected the light of the setting sun. It was like being on a different plane - God was smiling at me from the pinks and oranges of the horizon, and the water was warm and comforting. People were watching me - a child even yelled, "Girl! You'll sink!" So I turn and shouted, "I can swim." And his mother laughed.

I was out there for a while before I decided to take my bathing suit off - I could hear the people on the beach, but couldn't see them at this point. I figured they wouldn't be able to see me, either. I tied my suit and shirt around my right ankle and began to play in the tiny waves.

After about a half hour, I put my clothing back on and began to swim back. It was getting cold, and darker. About halfway back I turned around and saw something pop up out of the water - a person, I thought? It bobbed back down and then up again with the agility of a seal, and I was both frightened and in awe. It had been watching me, and now she knew I was leaving.
I got back to the shore and my mum said she had come over to me from elsewhere before watching me play in the waves - this is a heart warming sign. I asked for joy yesterday, and tonight the incarnation of joy and playfullness came to watch me dive in and out of the water. So much love. I pray that I feel it with my heart instead of simply knowing with my head that it is a beautiful thing.

Thank you for tonight. <3

Black Beetles

Why does it bother me so much when people kill moths?

Let's explore this, gently. Sidenote: It's quarter to three in the morning.

Bugs aren't big. Insects and arachnids tend to be quite small, but for some reason there is a general stigma about them that deems them less valuable than other living creatures. It could also be due to the fact that they're just so easy to kill and wipe up and get rid of, but here are my reasons for not doing so.

The value of something does not lie in how much of that something there is. A large tub of margarine does not cost more than a small diamond - the monetary value lies in the rarity and purpose of the object. Something like margarine is intended for everyday use - to be ingested, digested, excreted, and then you use and buy more. A diamond wedding ring is often a once in a lifetime purchase which symbolizes the intention of love and union. Something so small can mean so much more.

The ease with which we do things does not determine the moral alignment of the action. As a stronger being, I could kill a rabbit or cat with some amount of ease. I could shoplift, I could lie, I could run my mouth off at people instead of intentionally speaking from only love, and it would be easy. Being angry is easy, being sad, being selfish - but does that make it okay?
There is a common and well-known opinion that "The right thing isn't always the easy thing." Perhaps this is true, and from my own life experience, I would say that it is. Quite often, taking the action that would leave my heart at ease and my conscience pleased requires a great deal of courage and determination. Maybe you would derive the same answer from your own experience.

And last, I face the concept of souls. Some people honestly believe that only humans possess them, and soulless beings are easily disposable. Think what you may, I am not here to change you. The semantics aren't important in this case; regardless of whether or not you believe insects have souls, they are an integral part of any ecosystem in which they are involved. Honeybees nurture the beautiful flowers that are so heavily incorporated into our culture, and spiders keep populations of other insects down. Everything has a sacred balance, and I'm pretty sure God knew what he was doing when he put this place together. Maybe we're only here for a short while, but I think we should learn from it what we can.

No, the ecosystem likely won't collapse if you take a newspaper to that spider on the bathroom floor. That's not my point. My point is that it upsets me when I hear, "It's just a moth." No, it is a moth. It's living out it's purpose like I am living out mine, and I believe it should be given the option to do that - even if that simply involves surviving.

***


The reason I got so upset tonight wasn't because the moth was attacked. I got upset because I felt mocked and scolded for wanting to keep the bug alive. It makes my heart hurt when any creature dies, and of all the opinions one could respect even if it isn't one of your own, I'd think that would be easy. Fighting boys makes me unhappy, too, because I obviously can't match their strength. I essentially felt helpless and injured, so I went for a walk and cried to a beetle.

I know that not everyone in this life will understand me or my little quirks. That's become apparent since I've felt comfortable enough with myself to show it to anyone... One thing I learned tonight, though, is that sometimes you have to explain (even to the people you love so dearly) what's going on in your heart.

Coping Mechanism

I am human.
I am fragile, I am emotional, I am vulnerable.

I can be hurt and scarred and discouraged, depending on your tactics.
I may open up to you in love, and then you can cut deeper.
If you let me get used to you, I will dream of you for months.

If you change, I will sense the brokenness of whatever was there, and I will mourn.
My memories will haunt me, comforting me and causing me anxiety.

After a while, though
Once I have spent long enough crying, and long enough bleeding,
I will sit up from the floor.

And all of the words that turned from warm to cutting when I found out they were empty,
They will shout loud from within my mind.
And the pain in my heart will reach a deafening roar, before it transforms
And in one split second
The world turns upside down.

There is a pause. A space in which there is nothing to fill
We're just hanging from a thread, you and I, in nothing.

Time slowly restarts
The thread snaps, has snapped long ago
And you're gone, lost far in the wrinkles and folds of what once was.
Your words start to whisper, again, but I thread a needle with them
And I begin to sew songs to show and tell to the world

I will tell them of the love before the loss, and how wonderful it was
The feeling of waking up in the morning, excited to live
The feeling of sharing in someone, wholeheartedly, loving who they were and are and will be
The feeling of aching to fuel their dream, to satisfy their heart
And the feeling of telling this person all of these things through the contact of eyes and skin.

I will tell them of the loss after the love, and how it was like the earth was torn from the sun
How I thought of you,
How I thought I needed you,
How I thought my life would be empty since you had left.
That is a logical thought, for someone who thought you were her future.
I will tell them to notice the past tense
And notice that I don't need you
That my life is so full it is bursting, and there is no room for you any longer
Simply because you don't want to be in it.

You have hurt me and broken me, left me feeling empty, but it was all an illusion.
All of that pain and sorrow is now inconsequential, but you have left me with one permanent gem.

Despite the months of feeling terrible, and despite the fact that our happiness was short-lived
Despite the anger and hate that I felt so shortly ago, and so shortly in itself
Despite the letters you said you'd send and never did,
And despite my last desperate attempts at salvaging this...

I have learned one thing.
And though I could have learned it by watching Moulin Rouge, I learned it with my soul.
I learned it with every little tiny piece of my heart, and I learned it with hours and weeks
I learned it with every emotion I ever felt towards you.
I learned it with happiness, excitement, nervousness, rage, jealousy, melancholy, and peace
I learned this.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."

For that is all that matters.

If I Know You

So much movement... Some painful, some wonderful... Most of it's painful at first before it turns bittersweet and then comfortable. Like a blanket that is at first is cold, it grows warm with my body heat and I get used to the idea. I want to be able to look the world in it's big, magnificent eyes without bursting. My skin must be thick.

Blood

I surrender and give myself to sleep and thirst and God.
I am distracted from the uncertainties of the future by the past and the present, and you know what is a comforting thought? I will never have to deal with the fogginess and fear of the future. By the time it gets to me, it will have transformed into a much more tangible and malleable substace: The present.

Maybe I should stop freaking out and keep things simple for myself.
Hope, love, trust, faith. These things are my basis, and the rest are interchangeable.
Relationships will come and teach and go and then teach more, and that knowledge will melt into and graft onto my soul-essence.

My little ether fingers are reaching and whining for Mum... For now I will satiate my thirst and see what they need.