Shallow Sauna Breaths

I may not make sense - I am sleepy and feverish.

My life is once more commitment-less. So much moreso that it was the last time, too. I wonder what's being whipped up for me in Lady Fate's apothecary. I wonder what she wants to make me happen for myself.

I had a bit of a vision earlier, or perhaps it was a desire... I wanted to spend the evening online, talking with someone on MSN, as the day turned to night and then the night turned to day.
I've had a nap so I can stay up late - I've had it with the heating pad on myself, no less, so I'm the perfect temperature to be lightly roasting with rosy cheeks, wrapped in a blanket.
So... where are you?

I'm saving you the sleepiest smile.

Eureka!

I woke up happy today.
Not just placid brushing-my-teeth and humming content, but lipsyncing-to-Mother-Mother-in-the-bathroom-mirror stoked. I am a wildfire. I am a Siberian tiger. I am a beefy unicorn with platinum marshmallow boxing gloves.

Toll; Taken.

Eating regularly might be a good idea, but I got through the shift, I did.
Now I'm just indecisive and pout and weak. I have been doing some solid writing, though.
Granted, it's been solely on my iPod touch in times of extreme pain or inspiration.

I feel too weak to write, but I'm tempted to stay online.

I Forgot About Handfuls...

I got Eureka.
I love Eureka.

I also spent so much money today, but I'm feeling no regret... I worked for it myself, and I bought things that I resonate with and made me happy. Music, art, books, and natural face products and perfumes. Materialistic pampering? Gaining possessions in search of emotional comfort? One could say that, seeing as I haven't been feeling too top-drawer, but I don't think it's like eating when you're sad. Which is what I do sometimes. And now I'm talking casually about love with my best friend, so... I guess awesome days sort of evolve from shitty days. I'm thankful.

This is the cutest exchange, quoted from her relationship, as herself and her boyfriend were cuddling on the couch:

Krista: Let's stay like this forever! :D
Boyfriend: I think I will. :3

Happy face and ball face and everything. You can't help but sigh, y'know? I wonder why I'm on the computer. Ha. Yeah right. I'M SO LAYME

But seriously, I got this poster today;



OH GOSH THIS ALBUM IS SO GOOD I'M SALIVATING

A little advice for aspiring fires
You get put out if you don't get a little wild

^^ That's a link to the Grooveshark playlist. Oh man oh man.

Tiptoeing

Something else is asking me the question I so recently was posing. It's a bit strange, the reversal, but it's pretty routine at this point.

"Why are you so afraid of me? Is it because I make you feel?"

And I was lounging on my couch cradling my cat, thinking about all the things I don't know, and how many of them I keep trying to touch. It's like this whole foreign sector of life and experience is a sparkling inferno, daring me to reach into it and integrate with it. I want to. Every fibre of my being is pulling and pushing me towards it. My heart is made of it and wants to be reunited with the whole, and it murmurs to me like an old friend. I've known it before. I've caught glimpses of it in this life and had conversations and intimate dinner parties with it in past ones.

But such fear is being dredged up in me. And why? Because I want, now? Because I can foresee possibilities that I'm not sure I'm ready for? I feel so vulnerable and unprepared, wanting something so badly, not being able to get it off my mind, and simultaneously fearing it.

When I'm brought back to the "now", whenever that is, I am reminded that the inferno should be distant.
If that's so, then why do I feel it's heat on my back?

Lovely and Helpless

It's strange to read someone elses' writing and see an echo of my own. Keeping in mind I had no influence whatsoever on that person's life or material, I think (or, hope) it speaks to the future of something.

Reflexpectations

Sometimes, I underestimate people.

More than that, though, I get caught in my own silly little expectations for myself and then get wrapped up and lost in them.

I make plans with people, with a vague idea of how the night or day may go. I'm entirely aware of the fact that I cannot foresee or control the flow of the day, but more often than not, I find I mislead myself entirely.

Living in the moment is strange. It's quite beautiful, I think, and I've learned that in the few instances in which I've gotten a hold of some sort of understanding of why. I am one to be lead by my heart instead of logic or cognitive strategy, sure, and yet I am never exempt from surprise. One person can knock you over the head with an opinion so wise, that you feel entirely ashamed for being surprised that those words came out of their mouth.
"Why did that strike me?" I thought. "Have I been so blind to this potential?"

But I've learned now, and don't carry that shame with me any longer.

Along the same lines, but entirely different - waiting for some vague event to manifest in my timetable really has given me a lot to think about. Discerning between projection, vision and intent can be difficult... if it needs to be at all. Man, I think Yoda's my fuckin' spirit animal.

I feel happy today. Not earlier, on the surface. Perhaps on some deeper subconscious layer, I was. I feel like I should be panicking into the pages of my blank agenda, but I'm smiling at them. My empty hands will soon be filled, and at this time, I cannot tell you what with.
Perhaps a pen, a hammer, a paintbrush. The hand of another? A bunch of sand, or a stone from the shore... I don't know. And I don't have to know - if I knew where I was going to end up, how can I even begin to fathom how I'm going to get there?

Ah, the arbitrary and circular philosophical rants of an 18 year-old.
Paradoxical.
Confusing.
Nerdy, on occasion.





...Where on Earth do I find a second-hand skateboard?!