The Straw

Is this what it takes?

Six lives, another shooting, utterances of mental illness and gun regulations.

This morning, I tried to find an article about Elliot Rodger's killing spree. Just that - just the numbers and the facts. Instead, I was met by a wave of articles in reaction to the killings - ones that discussed how prevalent violence towards women still is, how important it is to have conversation about it and be aware of it, how even things that seem as small as derogatory sexist language (which, by the way, don't seem small to the people at whom it is inherently targeted and who know the implications of it) - are unacceptable, and a path to this kind of thing. Disrespecting women is not okay - not by using sexist language, not by feeling entitled to their bodies, not by shooting and stabbing people when they won't sleep with you.

And when I saw this wave of articles, I felt a slight and quick sense of relief. Finally, I thought, some people are starting to get it. Finally, conversations are being had about these patterns, about this culture. For so long, I'd been pointing out inequalities and how prevalent sexism still is, and now people are listening.

Then I paused, and I let that sentence run through my head a couple times like a song lyric.

For so long...

...and now people are listening.

And now people are listening.
And now people are listening.
And now people are listening.

And only now are people listening.

Is this what it takes?

Is this what it takes to realize that sexism is rampant? That violence toward women is deemed acceptable and even encouraged by certain groups, schools of thought, institutions? That telling teenagers that males always want it and that women are withholding it (not to mention the various and sometimes equally damning consequences of saying yes and no) is perpetuating ideals that make rape culture a thing? That the sentence "boys will be boys" is one of the most privilege-heavy, ignorant, bullshit fucking sentences that is used on the daily to pardon and excuse sexist behavior? That "friend-zoning" is nothing but a sense of entitlement towards women's bodies? That cat-calling and sexual advances maybe aren't so harmless? Maybe aren't so flattering? That being treated like an object with the sole purpose of the sexual satisfaction of others maybe isn't all that great? That being told I'd look prettier if I smiled isn't just some backwards compliment? That asking "What were you wearing?" after someone is sexually assaulted isn't fucking acceptable - isn't human - isn't okay?

Is this what it takes to realize that women are people?
That women are valuable?
That women are still being treated like shit?
That it's not our fault?

And do you know why I'm so mad? Because no one listens to me.

No one.
Listens.
To me.

I am open about my views on women's rights, about how shitty it feels to be verbally harassed on the regular and it be totally accepted in a public space. I am open about my frustrations with the lack of equal representation in media, about how absolutely harrowing it feels to be scared walking home at night. I read articles about Vancouver women being pulled into parks - sometimes in broad daylight - and sexually harassed.

Weekly.
Often.

And I still have to bear the burden of feeling awkward every time I ask someone not to talk about women a certain way. I have to bear the burden of being dismissed as an angry feminist.

Dismissed, disregarded, ignored, written-off, because I am passionate about turning this car the fuck around.

Silenced, gas-lit, called "too-sensitive" or "over-reactionary" because I am worn down, panicking, aware of the silent and lethal gas we're all breathing.

People will listen to me when I talk about other things, sure. When I've had a frustrating customer at work, or I'm having a hard time with other personal issues pertaining to my creativity or productivity - when I've had a fight with a friend or family member, others are there with open arms, warmth, and support.

But then I talk about sexism, and how it affects me, and everyone's eyes start to glaze over. Everyone becomes listless, floats away, breathes the invisible gas a little bit deeper and I'm left talking to no one. I'm left with a sticker over my forehead that says "FEMINIST" and I am avoided like the plague. I am left. I am left, I am left, I am left.

So.

Is this what it takes?

People dying at the hands of a man who did us the favor of making his reasons explicit? Who kindly outlined and expressed his misogyny, so that the rest of us could finally put the pieces together and realize - oh - this is a weird pattern. Maybe these numbers have something to do with these other numbers.

 It's not a fucking connect-the-dots, guys. It's human lives.

(Is that what I need to say? "Human", instead of "female"? #yesallpeople instead of #yesallwomen? Will people listen to me if I call myself an "Equalist" instead of a "Feminist"? Will people finally fucking listen to me if I sugar-coat it and be sure to say "some men" instead of "men"?)

I feel hopeless. I feel disappointed.

Some distant part of me that isn't fed-up and ready to burn down a fucking building is glad these conversations are finally happening. I will get back to that more grounded place soon, but right now I am Kali, I am Durga, and I am so fucking mad. And I am allowed to be. I am entitled to that.

It's just that - one murderous guy can do something horrific and then, all of a sudden, we're listening. We're receptive. But when myself and other women speak about our very own experiences with sexism (and we've been doing this from the start), we not only get shut-down, but we get undermined, mocked, ostracized, threatened with more of what caused us to speak out in the first place.

I'm going to share a piece of advice with those of you who feel awkward approaching this mess:

Listen.

Please, listen. Allow yourself to be affected.

Even if - you're a man, and you can't have the same experiences.
Even if - you feel awkward.
Even if - the person you're talking with gets emotional (employ some empathy and you'll see why).
Even if - it all just seems like too much to bother with (because you have women in your lives whom you love - and it affects all of you).
Even if - you think feminism is scary, or too much, or an overreaction. Listen, and you'll see. You'll see what we're talking about, and why we're talking about it. We want to talk with you. We come in peace.

 
This matters. It all matters. What I say matters. What women say matters. Listen to us. Listen to us from the start, don't wait for the bodies to pile up.

Please, everyone. Open your heart and  lend us your ear. We deserve to be heard.

-S