I want to be fit. I want to be able to run and climb and vault and sweat without it being new, without fighting to continue, without fearing I can't go any longer. I want to know my body, know my limits, know how to transcend them. I'll start how I can but I want to become more intense. I want this.
No more masks, I was told. I see all of these beautiful shells, all of this beautiful skin and find myself wishing it were my own. I change myself to fit into another person's clothes instead of expressing my own wants and desires and potential. I see something I like and I want to consume it, become it. No more.
The answers lie within.
They lie within the queasy, insecure, shaky young woman who writes this blog post, all the while taunting herself with the apparent reality that it will sound foolish to her later. So be it. If she decides to be mean, there is no one to stop her.
It's so important to care about yourself. Why? Well, that depends on your whole belief system, and I won't tell you what to believe. I am suspended in grey, and I can't tell you, from in here, what is important. There isn't anything.
I know what I want, though. I want catalyst. I fear being roughed up but I know how these things go, sometimes. I'm in a trance that is, hopefully, the calm before the storm. It usually doesn't happen overnight, but what is time in this respect? Who is time, and what power does he have, telling fate to hurry up? Fate and time will dance and play with each other, love and hate each other. One cannot be on top.
Now would be the time for my fate to carry me to sleep. They'll embrace as they watch me slumber, discussing my tomorrow.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Barfight Maki
As a disclaimer, I am going to mention that I am not an angry person. I am not a bitter, violent or malicious person by nature, but... Some people just stir me the fuck up.
So, this evening I went out for sushi dinner with my Mum and brother. The hostess was lovely and seated us at our table, passed us our menus, and went back into the kitchen. Now, I am about to describe our waitress to you.
As soon as this girl stood by our table and asked what we'd like to drink, I could sense how insecure she was. She did not believe in herself, she did not acknowledge her success, and she did not believe us when we smiled at her. Despite all of this, she was smiley and chatty (given, she hesitated and stuttered a lot), and was extremely kind. Mum and I knew what was up, so we made an effort to reassure her and be warm to her so she didn't feel any more nervous than she already was. She fumbled when we asked her the specials, and before she left, said, "I am so sorry, I acted quite foolish." At which we shook our heads and reassured her it's totally okay to forget the specials sometimes. She puttered away.
Upon her return, she knelt down at the table side, notebook in hand. I thought this was a little odd, but she seemed to simply be that way and it didn't really phase me (especially since, to a lot of people, I would seem rather odd, as well). She took our orders, and left.
Now - directly in my line of sight, there was a table for two by the window occupied by two young girls. You can judge me or call me harsh for saying this, but I swear to God you could just smell how conceited they were. They had just asked for the check and I noticed the looks they were exchanging when the aforementioned waitress brought it to them and began to speak. In this restaurant, it's a custom to serve frozen grapes when delivering the check, and the waitress said they were "awesome" while smiling and being all shy and adorable. Then, while reaching across the table for something, she accidentally spilled some tea. Not on either of the girls, from what I saw, but the straight-haired girl looked at this waitress as though she were some disgusting insect. The waitress then left to get some more napkins.
As soon as she was out of earshot, the two girls began snickering and relishing how weird the waitress was. They thought she was so funny that they decided to record what she said when she came back. The straight-haired one pulled out her iPhone and opened the voice recording app. When the waitress came back, they prompted her into a conversation about tea, all the while grinning knowingly at each other and glancing periodically at the iPhone. Later on in the conversation they even photographed and videotaped her as though she were some strange animal, confined in a zoo.
I was so fucking pissed.
Not only is this poor young waitress having a tough time getting the hang of a restaurant gig, but it is so obvious to me that she was not in a place in her life where she could feel confident in herself. She was odd, yes, maybe even a misfit - but these things do not matter. She was kind and gracious and nobody deserves to be put on display as a circus freak of life. I am trying very hard not to judge those two girls like they judged that waitress, but I snapped when I saw them giggling at the recording they'd gotten. They were talking openly about how there were going to show their friends how funny this was, and they kept taking pictures of themselves. Unrelated, but even though I sometimes engage in it, too, narcissism just pisses me right off. It was so obvious that these two girls thought they were so far above the misfit waitress.
I had to go outside to calm down. My heart was beating so hard, my body was twitching with every pump. I walked back in and, just before boiling over and smacking both of them, I calmly walked over and asked, "Hey, why are you guys recording that waitress?"
And I was met with a stunned silence.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about." Said the first one, trying to make me feel like an idiot with a tight smile.
"I knew you'd say that," I replied, trying not to flip the table, "But I've been watching you first record your conversation, then take a picture of her, and now you've recorded a video. I used to do shit like this too, and now I regret it. Maybe you should try to be a little bit nicer to people who are obviously having a hard time instead of making a joke out of them, okay? And I know you're going to make fun of me, later, too, and that's alright with me. Just leave her alone."
And then I sat back down. The straight-haired one looked at her friend and raised her perfectly-groomed eyebrows and scoffed. After getting up to pay the bill, they headed out of the restaurant. I said, "Have a nice day, ladies!" From where I was seated, and with a sarcastic "Thank you" and a furious hair flip, they were both gone.
Obviously not giving a shit or completely unaware that I could still see them through the glass window, they began talking animatedly about what a fantastic adventure that was and how they should make fun of people all the time because they're so much better than everyone. Then they got into their car made of diamonds that gives them manicures while they drive, and laughed all the way home to their platinum mansion while listening to the recording of the weird sushi waitress.
I know I'm being mean, I do. I understand that I don't really have any reason to be so hard on them, given that I'm just as oblivious and disconnected sometimes, but, forgive me, I'm still quite angry. If I were to take a minute to calm down, I'm sure I would say that I wish them well on their life journeys and hope they don't end up with too many D&G-clad chihuahuas and abusive boyfriends. Whoops. Actually, I'm sure I'd say that they probably have a few redeeming qualities too, and though that experience was not flattering at all, hopefully they're actually really nice. I'm sure they have dreams and ambitions and fears like the rest of us. They're people, and people are silly.
I just wish we weren't so keen on hurting each other the way we do. No sarcasm intended, I actually do wish them well, and I hope that what I said is at least a subconscious wake-up call that it's so much more beneficial for everyone if you act with compassion and kindness. It's funny I say that, since I was actually so close to starting a fuckin' brawl. I'm glad I didn't yell like I wanted to. It would have felt good to scare them out of what they were doing, but hopefully this will actually get through.
-Also, we tipped the waitress like $11 on a $40 bill. Hopefully that brightens her day a little bit.
So, this evening I went out for sushi dinner with my Mum and brother. The hostess was lovely and seated us at our table, passed us our menus, and went back into the kitchen. Now, I am about to describe our waitress to you.
As soon as this girl stood by our table and asked what we'd like to drink, I could sense how insecure she was. She did not believe in herself, she did not acknowledge her success, and she did not believe us when we smiled at her. Despite all of this, she was smiley and chatty (given, she hesitated and stuttered a lot), and was extremely kind. Mum and I knew what was up, so we made an effort to reassure her and be warm to her so she didn't feel any more nervous than she already was. She fumbled when we asked her the specials, and before she left, said, "I am so sorry, I acted quite foolish." At which we shook our heads and reassured her it's totally okay to forget the specials sometimes. She puttered away.
Upon her return, she knelt down at the table side, notebook in hand. I thought this was a little odd, but she seemed to simply be that way and it didn't really phase me (especially since, to a lot of people, I would seem rather odd, as well). She took our orders, and left.
Now - directly in my line of sight, there was a table for two by the window occupied by two young girls. You can judge me or call me harsh for saying this, but I swear to God you could just smell how conceited they were. They had just asked for the check and I noticed the looks they were exchanging when the aforementioned waitress brought it to them and began to speak. In this restaurant, it's a custom to serve frozen grapes when delivering the check, and the waitress said they were "awesome" while smiling and being all shy and adorable. Then, while reaching across the table for something, she accidentally spilled some tea. Not on either of the girls, from what I saw, but the straight-haired girl looked at this waitress as though she were some disgusting insect. The waitress then left to get some more napkins.
As soon as she was out of earshot, the two girls began snickering and relishing how weird the waitress was. They thought she was so funny that they decided to record what she said when she came back. The straight-haired one pulled out her iPhone and opened the voice recording app. When the waitress came back, they prompted her into a conversation about tea, all the while grinning knowingly at each other and glancing periodically at the iPhone. Later on in the conversation they even photographed and videotaped her as though she were some strange animal, confined in a zoo.
I was so fucking pissed.
Not only is this poor young waitress having a tough time getting the hang of a restaurant gig, but it is so obvious to me that she was not in a place in her life where she could feel confident in herself. She was odd, yes, maybe even a misfit - but these things do not matter. She was kind and gracious and nobody deserves to be put on display as a circus freak of life. I am trying very hard not to judge those two girls like they judged that waitress, but I snapped when I saw them giggling at the recording they'd gotten. They were talking openly about how there were going to show their friends how funny this was, and they kept taking pictures of themselves. Unrelated, but even though I sometimes engage in it, too, narcissism just pisses me right off. It was so obvious that these two girls thought they were so far above the misfit waitress.
I had to go outside to calm down. My heart was beating so hard, my body was twitching with every pump. I walked back in and, just before boiling over and smacking both of them, I calmly walked over and asked, "Hey, why are you guys recording that waitress?"
And I was met with a stunned silence.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about." Said the first one, trying to make me feel like an idiot with a tight smile.
"I knew you'd say that," I replied, trying not to flip the table, "But I've been watching you first record your conversation, then take a picture of her, and now you've recorded a video. I used to do shit like this too, and now I regret it. Maybe you should try to be a little bit nicer to people who are obviously having a hard time instead of making a joke out of them, okay? And I know you're going to make fun of me, later, too, and that's alright with me. Just leave her alone."
And then I sat back down. The straight-haired one looked at her friend and raised her perfectly-groomed eyebrows and scoffed. After getting up to pay the bill, they headed out of the restaurant. I said, "Have a nice day, ladies!" From where I was seated, and with a sarcastic "Thank you" and a furious hair flip, they were both gone.
Obviously not giving a shit or completely unaware that I could still see them through the glass window, they began talking animatedly about what a fantastic adventure that was and how they should make fun of people all the time because they're so much better than everyone. Then they got into their car made of diamonds that gives them manicures while they drive, and laughed all the way home to their platinum mansion while listening to the recording of the weird sushi waitress.
I know I'm being mean, I do. I understand that I don't really have any reason to be so hard on them, given that I'm just as oblivious and disconnected sometimes, but, forgive me, I'm still quite angry. If I were to take a minute to calm down, I'm sure I would say that I wish them well on their life journeys and hope they don't end up with too many D&G-clad chihuahuas and abusive boyfriends. Whoops. Actually, I'm sure I'd say that they probably have a few redeeming qualities too, and though that experience was not flattering at all, hopefully they're actually really nice. I'm sure they have dreams and ambitions and fears like the rest of us. They're people, and people are silly.
I just wish we weren't so keen on hurting each other the way we do. No sarcasm intended, I actually do wish them well, and I hope that what I said is at least a subconscious wake-up call that it's so much more beneficial for everyone if you act with compassion and kindness. It's funny I say that, since I was actually so close to starting a fuckin' brawl. I'm glad I didn't yell like I wanted to. It would have felt good to scare them out of what they were doing, but hopefully this will actually get through.
-Also, we tipped the waitress like $11 on a $40 bill. Hopefully that brightens her day a little bit.
Durga's Fire
I've been feeling a lot more drawn to blogging lately, so here I am. As a brief summing-up of where I'm at in my life right now:
1. I adore my job. It's nurturing and challenging and ever-changing, and I've grown a lot because of my experience there. I sincerely hope that I do not ever have to look back on this time of my life and feel regret that I didn't appreciate this opportunity.
2. I'm growin' up. I still make fart jokes and binge on junk food when I feel like crap and indulge in much silliness - but, c'mon. If those things can't come with me into adulthood, who wants to be an adult, anyway? Aside from that, though, I have found myself carrying a lot more responsibility, lately. Be it family or work or friend issues, I have commitments. I have savings accounts. I have goals and ambitions and drive, and it's totally rad. I'm growing into it slowly, but it's amazing. It's comparable to the feeling of feeling a really great workout and waking up sore the next morning. Hurts like a bitch, but it's the burn of progress.
3. I'm working on a dream/plan to explore Australia for 6-7 months next year. One of my savings accounts is actually named "Adventure Funds", and, that's what I plan to spend all of that money on. I even have a large political map of Australia hanging in my bedroom, with tacks marking the places I plan on stopping. So far there are two on either side of the country, but I'll make it work. Shit's gonna be off the hook.
Now, to begin my intended post. As a preface - I have been feeling a rather strong pull to a deity by the name of Durga, as of late. I've been wanting to engage more in a spiritual practice lately, but have felt rather lethargic and scared. Another part of me is cowering away from exploring that due to a relationship that I formed with a wonderful group of people who introduced me to Christianity. I chilled with Jesus for a while, and I chilled with these people, and I feel like I opened up like a flower. Now, though, I have grown away from them as they have grown away from me and, though I miss them every once in a while, I feel this is as it should be. I choose not to label myself as a Christian or a Buddhist or an Atheist or an Agnostic, because, as a good friend of mine said - Fuck labels. I feel that if I were to apply a label like that to myself, I would be doing a favor for the person who receives it. They don't need to waste their energy trying to learn me or what I believe - if I feed them a word like that, they can draw on all of the knowledge they already had. This is a bias, a preconception, and, more often than not, a misconception. But, I digress.
Durga's fiery warrior energy has been stirring in me. I have been meek and mild with waves of passion or even violent urges (in Tae Kwon Do or emotionally trying situations), but after tonight, I feel that this fire will be closer to the surface, should I need to call on it.
1. I adore my job. It's nurturing and challenging and ever-changing, and I've grown a lot because of my experience there. I sincerely hope that I do not ever have to look back on this time of my life and feel regret that I didn't appreciate this opportunity.
2. I'm growin' up. I still make fart jokes and binge on junk food when I feel like crap and indulge in much silliness - but, c'mon. If those things can't come with me into adulthood, who wants to be an adult, anyway? Aside from that, though, I have found myself carrying a lot more responsibility, lately. Be it family or work or friend issues, I have commitments. I have savings accounts. I have goals and ambitions and drive, and it's totally rad. I'm growing into it slowly, but it's amazing. It's comparable to the feeling of feeling a really great workout and waking up sore the next morning. Hurts like a bitch, but it's the burn of progress.
3. I'm working on a dream/plan to explore Australia for 6-7 months next year. One of my savings accounts is actually named "Adventure Funds", and, that's what I plan to spend all of that money on. I even have a large political map of Australia hanging in my bedroom, with tacks marking the places I plan on stopping. So far there are two on either side of the country, but I'll make it work. Shit's gonna be off the hook.
Now, to begin my intended post. As a preface - I have been feeling a rather strong pull to a deity by the name of Durga, as of late. I've been wanting to engage more in a spiritual practice lately, but have felt rather lethargic and scared. Another part of me is cowering away from exploring that due to a relationship that I formed with a wonderful group of people who introduced me to Christianity. I chilled with Jesus for a while, and I chilled with these people, and I feel like I opened up like a flower. Now, though, I have grown away from them as they have grown away from me and, though I miss them every once in a while, I feel this is as it should be. I choose not to label myself as a Christian or a Buddhist or an Atheist or an Agnostic, because, as a good friend of mine said - Fuck labels. I feel that if I were to apply a label like that to myself, I would be doing a favor for the person who receives it. They don't need to waste their energy trying to learn me or what I believe - if I feed them a word like that, they can draw on all of the knowledge they already had. This is a bias, a preconception, and, more often than not, a misconception. But, I digress.
Durga's fiery warrior energy has been stirring in me. I have been meek and mild with waves of passion or even violent urges (in Tae Kwon Do or emotionally trying situations), but after tonight, I feel that this fire will be closer to the surface, should I need to call on it.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Clif Bars and Battlescars
God, do I love this feeling.
I'm very slowly coming down from the high of talking to someone you didn't know you'd missed.
It's not the complicated kind of miss, either, that makes you feel sad and caught up in the past while yearning for the future so you can see them again. It's a very nice, very simple feeling.
'I am so happy to hear your voice again.'
In addition to that, I feel super duper healed. These last months (or, last year) haven't been all painful, of course not, but the sad times were raw and the angry times really knew how to surge and disrupt me. I was battered by wind and words and absences and it's only ceasing to matter around now.
It's easy to see where it all comes from, too. My life was calm, and then it became this chaotic uproar of growing up and falling in love and I put so much of myself into it that when it all fell from the pedestal, I shattered too. How dramatic, yeah? Well, it's true. This last year I've been so broken, but that's not really a bad thing. It's a great thing. In sadness, I've had to venture inward to figure out what was what and what was wrong. When you start investigating yourself for bugs and broken parts, you're inevitably going to learn exactly what it is that makes you tick.
For me, it took a while. I could tell you though, without hesitating, if you asked me.
I also stumbled upon this vast deposit of passion that I didn't know was in there, and when I woke the beast, she was pretty mad. The only thing that was really going on for me was a loss, and the passion just jumped right on that bandwagon... That's where the anger was. Anyways, once I learned how to forgive and redirect that, I'm brand spankin' new. Well hell, I'm 19, so I have not doubt that this will happen a couple more times, but I feel pretty solid.
Every time I have some sort of experiential epiphany, I feel like a completely different person, and I am. I doubt this has made sense any of the 50 million times I've said it, but I don't feel like a different Sarah, I just feel... more. More myself. It's fuckin' lovely.
I decided to write a blog post because I feel as though I always turn to my blog when I'm feeling angsty and depressed. More often than not, I just use this as a way to express myself - understandably so. It's like a journal, but with the added challenge of owning your words. I'm saying extremely personal things here, and, though I doubt anyone reads this, there is that possibility. I like open. I like honest. So, here I am.
I should be off to bed now - work tomorrow morning, and I've yet to brush my teeth. Naughty.
Goodnight lovely world, with your goods and bads, your ups and downs, your rights and wrongs.
Goodnight to all of your polar opposites, and to everything in between.
<3
I'm very slowly coming down from the high of talking to someone you didn't know you'd missed.
It's not the complicated kind of miss, either, that makes you feel sad and caught up in the past while yearning for the future so you can see them again. It's a very nice, very simple feeling.
'I am so happy to hear your voice again.'
In addition to that, I feel super duper healed. These last months (or, last year) haven't been all painful, of course not, but the sad times were raw and the angry times really knew how to surge and disrupt me. I was battered by wind and words and absences and it's only ceasing to matter around now.
It's easy to see where it all comes from, too. My life was calm, and then it became this chaotic uproar of growing up and falling in love and I put so much of myself into it that when it all fell from the pedestal, I shattered too. How dramatic, yeah? Well, it's true. This last year I've been so broken, but that's not really a bad thing. It's a great thing. In sadness, I've had to venture inward to figure out what was what and what was wrong. When you start investigating yourself for bugs and broken parts, you're inevitably going to learn exactly what it is that makes you tick.
For me, it took a while. I could tell you though, without hesitating, if you asked me.
I also stumbled upon this vast deposit of passion that I didn't know was in there, and when I woke the beast, she was pretty mad. The only thing that was really going on for me was a loss, and the passion just jumped right on that bandwagon... That's where the anger was. Anyways, once I learned how to forgive and redirect that, I'm brand spankin' new. Well hell, I'm 19, so I have not doubt that this will happen a couple more times, but I feel pretty solid.
Every time I have some sort of experiential epiphany, I feel like a completely different person, and I am. I doubt this has made sense any of the 50 million times I've said it, but I don't feel like a different Sarah, I just feel... more. More myself. It's fuckin' lovely.
I decided to write a blog post because I feel as though I always turn to my blog when I'm feeling angsty and depressed. More often than not, I just use this as a way to express myself - understandably so. It's like a journal, but with the added challenge of owning your words. I'm saying extremely personal things here, and, though I doubt anyone reads this, there is that possibility. I like open. I like honest. So, here I am.
I should be off to bed now - work tomorrow morning, and I've yet to brush my teeth. Naughty.
Goodnight lovely world, with your goods and bads, your ups and downs, your rights and wrongs.
Goodnight to all of your polar opposites, and to everything in between.
<3
Monday, December 5, 2011
Revert to Reverb
I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, I don't try very hard to, mind you.
There's still the fire in my belly, and I think it's left over from that time I tried to clean me of the imprint you left - the painful, leftover kind - not the wonderful experience we had together, kind.
This will likely pass within a week or couple days, but right now I just really miss you. I'm not even really mad anymore because that feels like part of the past - in every right, you should be part of the past, too, but I have dreams sometimes in which you are my present and future. It's bizarre.
The strangest thing about all of this is: I'm alright. More than alright, I am so happy with my life, and who I am as a person. I've reached a new level of fulfillment and have so much motivation and ambition and potential that I'm always moving. I haven't fallen on my bum to cry about anything in a long, long while. It's a beautiful feeling, getting into the flow. This emotion, this remembrance, is part of it. A friendship that wasn't really a friendship that got intense and tangled, and then separated as abruptly as it was thrown together - condensed and contained into two separate people and two separate lives. Still so far apart, but in sync with the paths we may be on - exploding from the cocoon in a flurry of transformation and transcendence. In our ways, yes; in our own ways. Always individual, but so connected. Maybe that's what I feel.
I am not sad. This is not sad, anymore, but it's anticipation that one day we might get to dance circles around each other again. As strange as we may be to each other now, as scary as this all may be, you've gotta admit. It was fucking awesome.
Nothing but love, I send to you. The rest of my emotions are my business to sort.
There's still the fire in my belly, and I think it's left over from that time I tried to clean me of the imprint you left - the painful, leftover kind - not the wonderful experience we had together, kind.
This will likely pass within a week or couple days, but right now I just really miss you. I'm not even really mad anymore because that feels like part of the past - in every right, you should be part of the past, too, but I have dreams sometimes in which you are my present and future. It's bizarre.
The strangest thing about all of this is: I'm alright. More than alright, I am so happy with my life, and who I am as a person. I've reached a new level of fulfillment and have so much motivation and ambition and potential that I'm always moving. I haven't fallen on my bum to cry about anything in a long, long while. It's a beautiful feeling, getting into the flow. This emotion, this remembrance, is part of it. A friendship that wasn't really a friendship that got intense and tangled, and then separated as abruptly as it was thrown together - condensed and contained into two separate people and two separate lives. Still so far apart, but in sync with the paths we may be on - exploding from the cocoon in a flurry of transformation and transcendence. In our ways, yes; in our own ways. Always individual, but so connected. Maybe that's what I feel.
I am not sad. This is not sad, anymore, but it's anticipation that one day we might get to dance circles around each other again. As strange as we may be to each other now, as scary as this all may be, you've gotta admit. It was fucking awesome.
Nothing but love, I send to you. The rest of my emotions are my business to sort.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Claws and Flaws
My life is taking a drastic turn towards the different and renewed.
Perhaps I've been wanting this for a while - not to say that my life has ever been stagnant or unmoving - that may have been my perception at the time, but the flow of time is like water cascading downwards. Now I sit in the dark of my living room with my cat on my lap, alone for the first time in what seems like weeks. I am tempted to feel sad, but I just feel calm.
I have learned so much in my life. How can this be, when I am aware of only a portion of what I do not yet know? I know general facts, how to check the oil in a car, and some specific and bizarre facts with which I doubt anyone would be bothered.
I feel so human today.
I don't often feel reptilian or amphibian, mind you, but today I experienced physical pain and happiness and loneliness and the very real need for affection. It's quite interesting how there is a general stigma against wanting to be in contact with others. It's humbling, the way we can't exist unless we exist beyond ourselves. There would be no purpose, otherwise. And as Mr. Smith stresses in the Matrix trilogy - purpose is integral to existence.
I want to be so many things. There are little hints that float about inside me that could easily be transformed into practiced movement and sound. I want to become a DJ, a street artist, a free-runner, a drummer, a dancer, a singer, counselor, a preacher, a rapper, a mother, a wife, a child. I am all of these things, somewhere. Some don't exist to the outside world, yet. However the potential is there, and it is real. The potential could be so gripping and valuable if we could see or use it.
Perhaps I've been wanting this for a while - not to say that my life has ever been stagnant or unmoving - that may have been my perception at the time, but the flow of time is like water cascading downwards. Now I sit in the dark of my living room with my cat on my lap, alone for the first time in what seems like weeks. I am tempted to feel sad, but I just feel calm.
I have learned so much in my life. How can this be, when I am aware of only a portion of what I do not yet know? I know general facts, how to check the oil in a car, and some specific and bizarre facts with which I doubt anyone would be bothered.
I feel so human today.
I don't often feel reptilian or amphibian, mind you, but today I experienced physical pain and happiness and loneliness and the very real need for affection. It's quite interesting how there is a general stigma against wanting to be in contact with others. It's humbling, the way we can't exist unless we exist beyond ourselves. There would be no purpose, otherwise. And as Mr. Smith stresses in the Matrix trilogy - purpose is integral to existence.
I want to be so many things. There are little hints that float about inside me that could easily be transformed into practiced movement and sound. I want to become a DJ, a street artist, a free-runner, a drummer, a dancer, a singer, counselor, a preacher, a rapper, a mother, a wife, a child. I am all of these things, somewhere. Some don't exist to the outside world, yet. However the potential is there, and it is real. The potential could be so gripping and valuable if we could see or use it.
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