Tired Eyes

I'm not going to fight the future any longer. I'm too warm and happy and overwhelmed with love for all the wonderful and horrible people in my life. If I get what I want, fabulous. If not, I'll learn more about the world and start wanting something else. I of course can't help but yearn, but there's a difference between love and pining. One is useless. And love is just the opposite of useless.
I'm probably just floating in between that space of conscious and not-so, so my words might not fit together as seamlessly as they do in my head. But I surrender, I hereby fall back into the outstretched and supportive arms of God and the universe and Lady Fate. I'm all yours, you guys. Show me whatchya got. ;)

I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so overwhelmed.

Oh My

I dislike that the only place I can get internet is haunted by the stench of cat shit.

I really really do.

Anyways, today was okay so far. I watched a bizarre movie with Krista, and then we had a good talk and some giggles. Right now I'm trying to cope with all of this free time, while simultaneously attempting to wrap my head around how much of a blessing all of this time is. I'm listening to Beyonce because Grooveshark told me to.

Pulled more cards today, and they're telling me to revel in the beautiful transition that will soon be my life. They're also telling me to decide. Ah man... I don't know how to do that from the isolated island I'm on right now. It's gorgeous and wild here, but cut off. I'm prone to projections and murky waters.

Not sure what I'll do with my time tonight. I may venture out if this pain recedes... it's not so bad right now. We'll see what my tired body feels like doing. It may just be this.

Salut.

Bubble Tea

Today feels like a good day for rain. I hope it rains.

Last night I went to go see Eat Pray Love with mama and Nicole, as I mentioned previously. It was a really good movie, and it felt like there were little inside jokes in it just for me, since I'm not all that new to spirituality. Yeah, I cried. Whatever.

I'll probably just end up moping around the house today, seeing as I'm not in the best physical condition. I just want to rest. Physically and mentally. I wasn't worried yesterday, and today doesn't feel like worry either, just... disconnected. I guess. I think it makes me sad, but I'm too disconnected to tell. Interesting turn this has taken.

I'm moving up on my waitlists, and I'm almost in to 2 of the 3 courses. I'm full of (subtle and dormant) anticipation. I'm going to miss the summer when it's gone, and I'm afraid because it's almost at that point. Sigh.

I'll probably write later - If I stay inside, I'll be magnetically pulled back to this laptop. See ya.

Mraaaaaaaaaaah

Guess what I had for breakfast this morning? Honey Sunshine. Not kidding, that is the name of my cereal.

I feel braindead and sluggish and I want a nap but tonight I'm going to dinner and a movie with my mom and her friend, Nicole. I'm looking forward to it. We're going to see Eat Pray Love, which my mother suspects will not be profound enough to satisfy my thirst for enlightening movies. I've gotten used to the industry, and I'm not snobby. I like fluff, I do. I also like thought-provoking movies. And funny movies. I've just found it hard lately to thoroughly enjoy a movie without getting distracted by, "I paid money to watch this. Why..." Anyways. I probably didn't communicate the point I wanted to... I don't know if I had a point... Do I ever?

This morning I woke up. Good start to a day, I know. Showered, then put on a face mask and pulled some tarot cards. I hope I'm not seeing through some elusive and manipulative lense, but most of the cards I've been pulling lately have been telling me relatively similar things. And, things I already knew on some level, but need to surface. Gash, my nails are getting too long to type. It's kind of bizarre. It feels like I'm typing with those fake nails I used to put on when I was little.

I wish appearances weren't so important. When everyone's so inwardly focused, they're hesitant to dance or slide in mud. I miss mud, I want mud. I want snow and Christmas and romance and a pet elephant with whom I can telepathically communicate. Anyways.

Friday night, my little cousins are coming over and I'm babysitting them overnight. It should be fun, and engaging. Recently, I've realized, my maternal instincts are kicking in. It's scary, but it's like I'm waking up or shedding a cocoon or something deeply symbolic and metaphorically cliche like that. Whoops, that was actually a simile... My mistake.

I was in an overpriced clothing store with my grandmother the other day, when a confused little girl (probably like 5 or 6 years old) came up to me and put both of her tiny hands on my thigh and looked up at me. It was literally heartwarming. I was immediately confused at the pure truth of that cheesy expression. When she realized I wasn't, in fact, her mother, she took her hands off of my leg and stumbled to her real mom. I was filled with this (once more, confusing) sense of longing. Then my brain flooded with teen pregnancy warnings and Rocksolid flashbacks. Whew. What an interesting development in my life as a young woman. Here it comes...

I was reading a book called "Women Who Run With Wolves" a couple of days ago, and I think that was probably the catalyst for this change. There's no way I'll be able to explain this as well as the author, who is a psychologist and astounding poet, but I'll make an effort.

Basically the introduction to the book was an explanation of the basic female energy. The Wild Woman archetype is simply a personification of said instinct, to help the audience relate to "her". Before Revlon and Wonderbra, the only concerns of women were love and expression. The most emphasized of loves were her children, and her mate. If you'd like to know more about it, get the book. It's fantastic so far, and I'm a tad bashful to admit I shed a few tears while reading it. She speaks so passionately about something I only related to as an aching echo in my chest. When my family used to go on hikes and I would nap on a moss-covered slab of rock, I felt the ache. When I'm drawn to animals, domesticated or wild, I feel it. It's like I've forgotten something, but it's not out of reach. That's what lies within all women, however molded or changed we are by modern stimuli. The basic energy of the trees, the earth, the animals. The energy of Eden.

Go ahead and think I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm so used to it. If I let it hold me back, I'll just explode.

Anyways, in my opinion, that's what's becoming of me. This "Wild Woman instinct" is all wakin' up and stretching and ready to run with reckless abandon to the nearest... anything.
I'll tell you something, though. Loving is a lot less complicated when your head isn't involved. Sure, loving from the heart increases minor chest pain, and shortness of breath, and heart palpitations... but doubt dissipates. Let's just say that I'm glad for that, and those of you who know my backstory will understand why that is.

I'm going to get on my way, now. But if you'd just do me one tiny favor today... Don't wear any makeup. Just don't do it. And follow one impulse (harm-inflicting impulses are exempt from this request) you normally wouldn't. Read a book outside. Say something to someone you were too scared to yesterday. Lay starfish'd in the middle of the room and sing at the ceiling.

I dare you.

Indian Food and Belgian Chocolate

I realized today that I'm plagued by foodlust. It's hilarious, and I feel like everyone thinks I'm pregnant.

"Yew knaw what's hawt? Jake Gyllenhawl in lavinder underwhurr."
-Kiera F.

Anyways. Acupuncture was amazing. I enjoy my relationship with my naturopath; It's not unlikely that the topic of conversation will shift from my blood sugar to video games, or boys. And he's a male, so those conversations are hilarious.

Maybe VanSlam tonight. For now, I'm going to shower and nap and pamper myself a little bit.
Oh me, oh my... I'm all sighs lately. I'm not confused as to why. Frustrated, maybe, but that's the way things go when you have feelings all over the place.
What a messy and beautiful life this is.

Good Afternoon.

The little one left for camp, today. By little one, I mean brother. It's weird. I hope he has a hell of a time, though. Folks normally do, where he's going, but he's never been away before. We'll see. I think I miss him...

A couple days ago I spent some time with my grandmother. She's a beautiful and generous woman, but one of the things that makes her so hilarious to be around is her honesty and mild racism. Honestly? It's those little quirks that cause me to admire her so. Long drives to various malls were made so much more intruiging by her views on life, her derogatory observations, and her attempts at explaining why the world is the way it is.

After the first full day of hardcore shopping, I was rather tired, and thus decided to have a nap. It didn't occur to me that I would, perhaps, wake up at 10 and, perhaps, be obligated to sleep again. Essentially I stayed up till three o'clock am, looking through old photo albums. I loved so many of the pictures, and was very tempted to steal a select few. I refrained, fortunately. Stealing memories from your grandmother is rather immoral, I assumed. Eventually I slipped into an uneasy sleep and dreamt about C-sections and wild hogs.

The next evening I was fortunate enough to have dinner with my grandmother, my mother, and my grandma's friend, Anne. They were all lovely company; even moreso after a martini. They each encouraged me to take a sip from their glasses. My mom had a Guiness martini, which was actually delicious. Anne had a green apple martini, which was also pretty good. My grandmother's tasted like gasoline, and they all had a good laugh while I sputtered and spat. Oh, silly young one.

I had a good night, after that. A good night.

As of late I feel like I've been a bit of a rollercoaster. Sometimes it's somewhat difficult to find direction, to find purpose. I'll try relaxing into the flow, that should help. It always does. I should go, I have acupuncture in a half-hour. Enjoy the internets!